One is one too many...

One more is never enough.

This Friday night is not unlike any other heartbroken night I've spent before, it just seems to be kind of a delayed reaction to things.

Jason and I have not been together for five weeks now. At first, it wasn't so hard because of his schedule, I just felt like he was working and I was just staying busy. Too busy to realize what happened. Now though? Now I miss him like crazy. And as I type this, I can't stop crying. I'm actually crying so hard I can't get any air in through my nose, and there's a steady stream of tears flowing down my cheeks.

It takes a lot for me not to call him. It takes a lot for me to not contact him at all, even if it's all I can think about and all I want to do. Right now being a "strong woman" sucks. It's about the hardest thing to do and be.

I thought he was the one. Why am I so bad at choosing men? I can't ever seem to find one who wants the same thing I want at the same time. In fact, I'm really good at picking the opposite.

I just needed to get some thoughts out. I really need to calm down and get some sleep though.

Been awhile...

Wow, I knew it had been awhile since I logged in and updated my blog, but I didn't think it had been that long!
Jason and I are still together and having a great time being in love, traveling together, and just enjoying each other's company.
Since no one really reads this and I am not really single anymore I think this needs to evolve. I think this will serve well as my diary of sorts.

Tonight, I was watching the Academy of Country Music Awards and thoroughly enjoyed it. I love country music and I was more than pleased with almost all the performances. I have a couple of notes though:

1. Jamey Johnson - I don't think he's a very good singer, but apparently he has his audience because he was performing tonight and being compared to some bigtime country music stars.

2. George Strait - should have won something. He put out a great CD with some great music.

3. Trace Adkins - seems like a true cowboy. He performed this song dedicated to the troops and had a Marine in a wheelchair with no legs introduce him. Man, did I cry my eyes out. It made me think of my grandfather, my father, my brother, my cousins and all the brave men and women who serve this country and have kept it safe and allowed so many freedoms for all of us fortunate enough to call ourselves Americans. That, and I'm about to start my period and I'm a little emotional around this time of the month. Hehe ;)

I think that's about all I have for this evening, I'm going to watch the rest of the awards and get to bed. I can't believe the weekend is already over. They seem to go so fast!

Weekend fun here I come!

I'm so looking forward to tomorrow. I get to see my honey! I've gotten used to seeing him more often over the past couple of weeks, and this week was our first full week back, no holidays, no vacation time. It'll be nice to see him and hug and kiss him. I'm going to make us dinner at his place tomorrow.
This weekend should be fun too. I have a baby shower to go to on Saturday, and then Jason and I are going to his friend's birthday party.
Sunday we may brave Cowels again, this will be my first time back up since I fell. Ouch. That sucked. My knee is still sore, but I think I can make it up!

Vegas

A big group of us are going to Vegas for my brother's girlfriend's 21st birthday on August 1st. We wanted to see "Love" but it's on break that week.
Jason received a mailing for comped rooms and suggested he and I go just to see the show! We went last Sunday night.
When we arrived in Las Vegas and our luggage was no where in sight. We asked the clerk and they saw that it got put on the next flight out of San Diego which was arriving shortly. Thank God! We finally got our stuff and got over to the hotel. Once we unpacked and changed Jason said that he had something for me. He picked up his bag and pulled out a box. He said he wanted to give it to me tomorrow night, but he thought it would match what I was wearing that night. It was a beautiful gold watch. I love it!! We finished our drinks in the room and out we made our way over to Rio to see the World Series of Poker. After some drinks and a shared burger we headed back to Harrah's to turn in for the night.
Monday we got a slow start and made our way over to Paris for some crepes for breakfast. We walked all over and window shopped all day, stopped in at different hotels and had a few drinks along the way to stay cool of course! We went back to the hotel for a little rest, we showered and got ready for the show. By the time we were ready to go, we only had a little bit of time to eat something before the show. We had some chicken fingers at the cafe there and walked into the show. "Love" was amazing. It was so cool! Our seats were perfect, the music was great, the performance was awesome, we had such a good time. From there we went to the Revolution Lounge right outside the theater. We drank, and goofed off there for a couple hours, we didn't get back to our room and to sleep until 4:30am!
Tuesday we woke up around 10:30 and got everything ready to go. We got out of the room, checked our bags with the bellhop and grabbed some breakfast at Denny's. That was it. That was our trip, very quick, but lots of fun.

Update time

Since my last post my relationship with Jason has been plugging right along. He still makes me smile from ear to ear when I think about him, and I love being with him. Another couple developments: we went on a trip to San Francisco together, I've met his mom now and there is another trip in the works for July. We're going to Las Vegas and we have tickets to see "Love" at Mirage!
Something I need to talk to him about though: the L word. We haven't said it yet, and its so on the tip of my tongue. Another thing: he's going to have to start going with me to my family events. My family is starting to think they scared him off. They know I care about him a lot and need to get to know him as well.
We're still on opposite schedules and I miss him a lot during the week, but we text or talk everyday through out the day so that helps.

Nothing but smiles

Last time I posted it was about the eHarmony men. That was February 25th. Funny story though; I met someone who has nothing to do with eHarmony! His name is Jason! He's a sweetheart and I miss him when he's not around and love being around him on the weekends when I get to see him. He's a police officer and he works the swing shift Monday through Thursday right now.
We met on my doorstep one night. There had been an accident outside my apartment complex and my brothers car had been hit. Jason came to the door to notify him that his Mustang had been hit. My brother and I went to go check out the Mustang, and while he was over getting the information from the other officers, I stayed back and talked with Jason. We were just talking. A couple of days later he was back in our complex on a false 911 call, my brother ran into him and they started talking. He said to "tell your sister, Lucy right? Tell her hi." So... I went to take out the trash so I could talk to him. He was still down there and we talked for a little while before he asked me for my number. We went out to lunch the next Saturday, March 1st. The next day I canceled on Jay to go to the movies with Jason. Ever since then, I've spent every weekend with Jason.
It's Sunday night and he has gone home to finish up laundry and get stuff together for the week. I miss him already and can't wait until Friday when I get to see him again. I like the direction we're going in. He's smart, he's sweet, he's cute and I really like him. AND he really seems to like me too. I'm so happy I met him. We're going to San Francisco for the weekend April 18th! I'm so excited! It's nice to be with someone who actually wants to travel with me. He also offered to go to church with me on Easter. Big points in my book. I went to church last Easter by myself. This Easter, Jason went with me and then came to my house for Easter dinner with my family. My brothers and my parents like him.
I guess that's enough gushing for one blog entry. More to come I'm sure!

Lots to catch up on

Eharmony has kept me busy, that's for sure.

First there was Tate. He was the first one that I met off of eHarmony. He was cute, but kind of little, really nice though. We had a good time together, talking, getting to know one another, but there was no chemistry.

Second came Derek. He was nice, he drove down from Newport to meet me. He wanted to see me again during the week (we met on a Saturday). I was okay with this, but I told him that my family was coming into town that week and it would probably be a little crazy. He called on Monday evening, I was out with the family, so I didn't get to answer or call him back that evening. The next day was my cousin and my aunt's birthdays, so obviously pretty busy as well. I got a crazy long text from him asking what he did wrong, and that he thought there was chemistry, but I didn't apparently since I didn't call him back within the 12 hour period he alotted imaginarily. He was crazy. I told him that I thought I was too independent for what he was looking for.

The third person I met was Alex. We met at the Yard House after work one evening. He was witty and sort of cute. We had fun together.

Fourth was Andy (although he was from MySpace). We met for a drink and then went to sushi. He was sweet. I wasn't that excited to meet him, I was looking more forward to the next night with number five. But I actually had a really good time with him.

Fifth is Jay. We went to Ki's in Cardiff, like I said I was really excited to meet him just because of our prior online conversations. He sounded intelligent, we sounded like we were in the same place from previous relationships and so on. We had a nice time, but he seemed meek.

That's the quick synopsis, more to come!

I'm so irritated with myself!

When I talked to Jeff last week and invited him to go to Snow Summit with us for my birthday he said he'd "love to". Sweet. Totally excited all week. One, to go snowboarding again, two, that Jeff was going to go with us! I called him tonight to say hi, and see how things were going and to iron out some details for Saturday. We chat for a bit and I bring up Saturday and he says he has something to tell me. I say, "oh no, you're cancelling on me!!!", and he said that he had some other news as well. My heart sank and my head got hot. I replied, "you got back with your ex". He said he had. He said that we always did have the worst timing. I'm bummed. For some stupid reason, I thought this time might be different with him.

I forgot to tell you...

A couple weeks ago I went to a bar called Hamilton's with Kurt (as friends, nothing more, don't worry). He said he had someone that he wanted me to meet actually. I wasn't doing anything, and sort of feeling like I was in a slump I agreed and hung out for the night. The guy that Kurt wanted me to meet was PJ. He is 37, and seemed like a nice enough guy. He's a little aggressive, but I've been able to keep him in check thus far. PJ didn't seem very interested in me until his friend Blair started showing more and more interest in me as the night went on. I had a really good time hanging out with Kurt and the guys. I ended up giving my number to both Blair and PJ. I went out to dinner with PJ the next day. We got some Thai food and went back to his house and watched "Office Space". He was cool. We had a pretty good time, he's obviously interested in me... but beyond physical interest, that remains to be seen. He was out of town all last week, and just got back last night. He was very good about texting, calling or IMing me while he was away which I thought was nice, considering he was out of town. But, since I had plans with Tate tonight, and he has a friend coming in from San Francisco tomorrow looks like he and I won't get to hang out until I get back from Tahoe. He keeps trying though. Telling me I should come over tonight. Good thing it was raining and I had an easy cop out there, I really didn't want to just go "hang out" at his house. I'm not dumb. I know he doesn't want to just sit and talk with me and get to know the real Lily. Men and their one track minds.

Last night and tonight

Last night Jeff came to get me around 7 I guess. We went to TGIFridays and had some food, talked over dinner, laughed, had a good time. Then we went to see "Juno". It was a cute movie, good, funny lines all over the place, I really liked it. Poor Jeff was so tired though. I'm really glad we got to hang out though before I left town for the weekend. I would totally love for something more to happen there. I'm just not sure where he stands and I'm not willing to put all my "eggs in one basket" so to speak.

I met Tate tonight. He was as cute as his pictures on eHarmony. He was very polite, seemed like a really nice guy. I don't know that there were sparks, but I would hang out with him again if called. We were going to meet at BJ's, but when I got there, he called and said that it looked really busy, and asked if I wanted to just go to TGIFriday's instead. Sure. It's pretty funny that I've eaten at the same place two nights in a row with two different guys though. And I'm not even a big Friday's fan, it's just that it's close and easy I guess. Anyways, we talked over dinner, and then went on our seperate ways for the night.

Update

I called him. I couldn't take it. He answered sounding stressed out. He's been swamped at work, he's still there in fact. He's trying to wrap things up right now. Poor guy. We may have to reschedule. To be continued...

Sitting, waiting...

It's been a while since I've posted and lots has happened and not happened. I've been communicating with some pretty cool guys on eHarmony. I'm actually going to meet one, Tate, tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it. He's a cutie and seems pretty cool. In the meantime however, Jeff reappeared last week. We spoke on the phone on Monday and went out on Friday. We had a great time. Of course. We always did/do. I went snowboarding with some friends on Saturday, Sunday was a disappointing playoff day, and Monday (yesterday) Jeff called. We talked for a little bit, and he asked if I was doing anything tomorrow (today now). I said no. We decided to go out. Yes!! I'm way to excited about him, and I know this. Well, here I sit, 6:06pm, ready for a date and I haven't heard from him. Am I being stood up? Did he forget about me? What's going on? Moments of insecurity. Good times. This is not a good feeling. I don't know what's going on. I'll report back later...

A new chapter

Today I signed up for eHarmony. I decided to give it a shot, to try it out for 3 months. I'm just not meeting new people. I don't have single girlfriends to go out with anymore and I'm definitely not meeting anyone worthwhile at work! I don't have the social network I used to, and the people I am meeting aren't the type of people I want to be in relationships with necessarily so it's time for a new chapter in my life.
When talking to my friends about it everyone seems to think it's a great idea and they say "you have nothing to lose". It doesn't mean I'm not nervous about it, but I'm giving it a shot and I'm kind of excited about it!

Happy New Year

I went to Arizona for the long new year's weekend. One of my best girl friends lives out in Chandler. I went to visit her and ring in the new year Arizona-style. I had a blast! No boy stories to share really, but had a really good time out there. I hadn't heard from Jeff since he met up with me nearly two weeks ago now. I text him on Christmas, and got a text back. And then I left him a message on his birthday. He finally called me back on Sunday when I was out with Maria Lyn at a sports bar watching football. We chatted for a bit, but I had to cut the conversation short because it was cold out, and I felt rude being outside while my friend was inside. I have to admit it was nice to talk to him though. I told him that I'd call him once I got back into town. I suck at this game, I don't know what's going on. I really thought that he liked me and wanted to date again. I just don't want to play second fiddle again. I've been there before, I don't want to be back there again.

Christmas Party

Saturday night was our Christmas party. My brother and I thought it would be fun to host a Christmas party/BBQ for our friend while he was in town from St. Louis. We had so much fun. Everyone had fun. I kept looking at all of the pictures today and smiling about it. What a good time!
Kurt was there, as he is at all of our friend/family functions now, because he too is our friend. I had convinced Kurt to stay the night at our house by selling the breakfast I was going to make in the morning. He shouldn't drive in that condition. He promptly made another drink and agreed. I set up a "bed" for him with some extra blankets in the living room. I was in my room talking to our friend Nick, when my brother came in and said that Kurt and our other friend Jason were leaving. We hopped up to re-convince them both to stay. When we came out, Kurt was already gone and there was no convincing Jason on staying.
The reason I bring this up is the oddness of Kurt. Kurt shouldn't have driven. He had a lot to drink. And when I saw him online and told him as much he told me he "got lonely" so he went to his local bar to find someone to spend the night with. Now, I don't want to be with Kurt, but I do care about him. He is my friend. I really still think that he is wrapped up in the idea of me. This sounds strange, and maybe self-centered, but it's the vibe I'm getting. He keeps telling me we're friends, and that everything is cool. But disappearing acts, odd pouting, and online conversations elude to something else. He could hardly look me in the face after I introduced him to Jeff on Thursday. And he seemed fine with the idea of staying last night until Nick and I were in my room, his tune changed really quick. And tonight while chatting online he said in so many words that this had been a particularly bad week, but I wouldn't know about that. Then he said that he hadn't been "kicked enough yet" and signed off right after telling me to sleep well. Sound fishy to you? Or am I just thinking the world revolves around me when it does not?

Thursday night out

My friend from St. Louis came into town, and some of his other friends were hosting a night out on his behalf this past Thursday, so my plan was to go out for a couple of drinks and hang out with that crowd for the night. While at dinner my phone rings and it was Jeff. He had called to see what I was up to and if I wanted to do something. I of course invited him out with us. I had him meet me at the Prospect Bar & Grill. The attire for the bar was a little dressier and I had neglected to tell him that previously. He showed up in jeans and a t-shirt, but looked great. We ended up spending most of the night sitting at the bar and chatting. It was so fun, and time seemed to fly by. We got some good kisses in, we flirted, we reminisced, and even danced a little. I can't help but smile just thinking about it. I'm really enjoying this time that I'm getting to spend with Jeff again. I seem to not want the day or night to end when I'm around him.
With Christmas in two days I'm not sure when I'll get to see him again, but I hope I get to see him before I leave town for Arizona for New Years Eve.

Brent who?

Today at work all I could think about of course was Jeff. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face no matter how hard I tried. Well, Brent and all his charm came by this afternoon to let me know that he'd still like to go out dancing. He asked if I was available this week. I must have looked at him like he was crazy. It's the week before Christmas, he doesn't call me ever, but expects me to be free whenever he comes by my office? What?! I laughed and said "Are you kidding? The week before Christmas?" I have to do all of my Christmas shopping today and tomorrow, and I have friends coming into town that I already have plans with. He rolled his eyes with a smile and asked "What about next week, towards the end of the week?" I know I had to give him an even crazier look, "New years weekend? I'm going out of town to visit a girlfriend!" And with that he swatted his arm as if to say "forget it", smiled and left my office.

Old friends

Last Thursday I was heading out to PB to meet a couple girlfriends for happy hour and since I was going to be in the neighborhood I figured I'd give my friend a call and see if I could either stop by and pick up my roadside emergency kit or if he'd like to join us. He said he had to finish up some stuff at work but he'd like to come out and join us. I'm so glad he made it out, we talked and talked and talked some more, and when we left the bar we sat in my car and talked a little more. Through the course of the conversation I found out he had broken up with his girlfriend about three weeks prior. This stirred emotions. Still, unsure of what this is I kept my cool and gave him a big hug at the end of our talk and sent him on his way. We discussed that we would go watch some football together on the following Sunday. He asked if he could call me on Saturday, "Yes" I replied, what a silly question!
Saturday afternoon rolled around and he called as promised. We made arrangements for Sunday, agreeing to meet at his house and then ride bikes over to the PB Shore Club. He proceeded to ask what I was doing that night. I told him I needed to start getting my house in order, get a Christmas tree, and start decorating. He said that if I got a "wild hair" and wanted to join him and his friends out that I was more than welcome. This invitation and phone call made me giddy. I was so happy he called, so happy that I'd get to see him again. As the evening went on and I got more wrapped up in my cleaning, I figured I'd call him to let him know that I wouldn't be making it out. He was full of temptation though. He tried his hardest to get me to come out, but as time ticked on I decided it best for me to stay in.
Sunday morning we met up, rode bikes, and watched football as planned. He looked great. And again, it was nice to see him. As the day went on, we got closer. As in sitting next to each other, more knee pats and elbows touching kinda stuff. Mild flirtations, but nonetheless, still flirtation. We changed venues about a quarter into our second game. When the Chargers had a comfortable enough lead I suggested we watch a different game, so we separated from his buddies who had joined us later and went off to find a table. There we sat, more flirting, more smiles, more touching. At one point he was holding my hand to warm me up, but then we didn't let go. It sounds funny to say now. But then we started to talk about how things ended before. How comfortable this seemed, How he has always liked me, and I him. It was nice. It's making me smile a day later just thinking about it. But, I was running out of time. I had to come back home still and get stuff together for a Christmas party at a friends house. I said I didn't want to leave, he said he didn't want me to leave, but we left anyways. When we got back to his house and put the bikes away we hugged. A big, long, squeeze the life outta ya hug, it felt so good! He nestled his face in my neck, and I did the same to his, this was it, now or never, I kissed his neck, he pulled back to look at me, I asked if that was okay, already knowing the answer and he said yes, that he was going to go for it if I didn't and then we kissed. A nice kiss. Long enough, but not too long. I pulled back with a grin on my face and we pulled out of our hug, I said I should go, and he said "Come'ere darlin'" and gave me another big hug. Then, I finally left. I feel like I've stepped into a time machine and gone back two years, he's all I can think about.
I have issues though. He just broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago, I really do not want to be his rebound. I deserve better than that, he knows it too, he better anyways! I don't know if I should talk to him about it all, I think that's my best bet. I'd like to date him again, to see what may happen. After all these years of knowing him it still feels like unfinished business. At any rate, I can't wait to see him again, I don't know when that will be, but I'm hoping soon.

Monday at the office

Too cute, on his way to lunch today Brent stops and in a stage whisper across my office "I had fun on Friday!". It made me smile! I said me too and he went on his way. We'll see what this week holds.

1:17 AM

Here I sit. 1:17AM on a Saturday morning. I just had a very nice date with the ever illusive Brent. We saw a movie and then had a beer afterwards at Rock Bottom. This felt like a real date. There was no making out in the bar. No groping. Just conversation at the brewery and a long, well-written, depressing movie.
We saw "Atonement". I wouldn't say I liked it, but I would probably say it was a good movie. After the movie we walked across the way to TGIFridays. The place was PACKED for some reason and he suggested we go some place else. This is how we ended up at Rock Bottom. He did however have to go in and check out the place beforehand because he knew some of the "basketball guys" were going to be there. The coast was clear so we went in, and talked over a beer. A single beer, that's it this time, and I'm glad. Last call was shouted when I was in the restroom, and when I came back out the lights were on and he was ready to go. He walked me to my car, said thank you for going to the movies with him and said that we should do it again sometime soon. I said "Yea?" and he kissed me. We had a normal date, it was fun! So, here I sit at 1:27AM now wondering if he is thinking about me. Wondering if there will be a second date this time around. Will he actually use my number? I had a really good time, so I hope he does call, and I hope we do go out again. With all this, I think my day has been long enough and I think I can go to sleep finally.