This morning I woke up with a gasp and my heart racing and pissed off. All from a dream. I dreamt that it was New Years Eve and for some reason I was drunk and alone and ended up at my exes house. I slept on the floor, because I didn't want to sleep with him in his bed. And he slept on the couch. The next morning I woke up to him hugging me and rolling me over to kiss me. It felt so good, so nice, so safe. He was fully dressed and said "You better give me a New Years kiss". So I did. Then he said he had to go. "Where are you going?" I asked. He said "To church!" WHAT? He's Jewish, he doesn't go to synagogue, let alone church. He said "Yea, Angie's been bugging me about it and you know how she is, and if I don't go..." Angie is his co-worker, my former co-worker. I got PISSED. I started to say "So, you'll go to church-" and then I stopped myself. I realized it wasn't worth fighting about. He was my ex, and so obviously not worth it. I wanted to say "You'll go to church with Angie, but not with me for Easter, or to Christmas dinner at my parent's house?"
But then I woke up, with the gasp and heart racing and anger. Still too much anger and resentment towards him. I don't like it. I don't want it. What do I do about it?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
On my nerves
After not seeing Ray since last Sunday, we finally connected today. We spoke earlier today and planned on going to the pool later in the afternoon and going to see "Super Bad". He didn't finish up what he was doing until after 6 though, and didn't get up here until 7:30 so we just went out to eat. He lost his ATM card last week so he had no money to pay for his dinner. That's fine. Whatever, I'll pay. At the restaurant though it seemed like all he could do was make snide remarks about this or that, and just had a negative attitude in general about things. The waiter, the food, things I was talking about, the music. It wasn't that fun. I felt like I had to keep my niceness under control. I was just getting increasingly irritated with him, it was much like having dinner with a child who hasn't had thier afternoon nap. I felt as though I was having dinner with a child in many aspects anyways. I made sure to not be a bitch to him though, and tried not to be passive aggressive about things either. I kept trying to talk myself into being open to him. I don't think it's working.
After I paid we came home and I turned on the TV. I put on a "Rescue Me" I had on DVR and watched that. That was fine, because it was quiet time. When the show was over he started to kiss me and I stopped him and said I needed to talk to him. I told him that I didn't know what I was so scared of, but I was trying to figure it out and I think I need to step back a little. He said okay, and that he was starting to wonder about what was going on with me. I also told him that with school my free time is limited, and while I like spending time with him, or whomever my significant other is, but I also require a lot of personal time, and time with my friends, so I couldn't promise him a given amount of time. He also asked me how long it had been since I broke up with my ex, I told him May. He then asked how long we had been together. I told hime my standard "a year, this time" response. He didn't want details, so I didn't offer them. He only asked what this time meant, so I told him. He then said that 3 months isn't really very long, and he agreed that things had kind of gone fast. He said he understood and told me to keep "mullin' it over" and that he'd be here. I guess I could always use the unresolved issues angle if need be. It's not like I can say "Be less annoying and I'll want to hang out with you more." or "Why don't you give me a call when you get your shit together?" Can I?
Why does he get on my nerves so badly? Am I just looking for reasons? Sometimes, some of the stuff he says to me is everything I could possibly ever want from a man, so why doesn't it fit? I guess it's just me?
After I paid we came home and I turned on the TV. I put on a "Rescue Me" I had on DVR and watched that. That was fine, because it was quiet time. When the show was over he started to kiss me and I stopped him and said I needed to talk to him. I told him that I didn't know what I was so scared of, but I was trying to figure it out and I think I need to step back a little. He said okay, and that he was starting to wonder about what was going on with me. I also told him that with school my free time is limited, and while I like spending time with him, or whomever my significant other is, but I also require a lot of personal time, and time with my friends, so I couldn't promise him a given amount of time. He also asked me how long it had been since I broke up with my ex, I told him May. He then asked how long we had been together. I told hime my standard "a year, this time" response. He didn't want details, so I didn't offer them. He only asked what this time meant, so I told him. He then said that 3 months isn't really very long, and he agreed that things had kind of gone fast. He said he understood and told me to keep "mullin' it over" and that he'd be here. I guess I could always use the unresolved issues angle if need be. It's not like I can say "Be less annoying and I'll want to hang out with you more." or "Why don't you give me a call when you get your shit together?" Can I?
Why does he get on my nerves so badly? Am I just looking for reasons? Sometimes, some of the stuff he says to me is everything I could possibly ever want from a man, so why doesn't it fit? I guess it's just me?
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
An intense conversation
I went over to Ray's last night to hang out. This was my first time up to his place. It was cool, old and lofty feeling, it was hot as hell up there though! We were going to watch Momento, he was eating some dinner and we had on Ice Age in the meantime. When he finished eating and cleaned that up he came over to kiss me. It was a nice kiss, and it got heated really fast, then his roommate came home! We sat and watched some Sports Center and hung out for a bit. When his roommate went to bed though, there we were, right back in the moment. It was nice. He disclosed how nervous he was to me and we ended up talking, a lot.
He said that there's so much he wants to tell me, and so much he wants me to know about him. I told him I wanted to know it all. He got increasingly anxious as he was about to confess his past to me. Then I started to get nervous. He came out with it, he went through a lot before he moved out here last year. A lot as in a gigantic downward spiral. He had a pretty hefty coke addiction back in North Carolina and it seems he lost his way some where in college. He left to change. He left for a fresh start. So far San Diego hasn't really offered that to him, well it hasn't been handed to him anyways.
He kept telling me that it all changed a couple of weeks ago when we first started hanging out. He said over and over again that all these changes in him came to fruition and it was my doing. I told him that I didn't do anything, all of these changes, things that he had done happened because he made the decision to make them happen. For some reason he wasn't buying it. I really didn't do anything, I didn't even say anything, even make any kind of suggestion. He kept insisting that everything was changing because of me. I think he needs to give himself a little more credit.
The more he talked about his past, the more it seemed to me that he felt like he had been at a disadvantage of some sort because of his own internal struggle to please those around him. He had been "cut-off" by his parents when he was in college because he lied to them about drugs and then got caught in the lie. I was a little flabbergasted. Of course they were upset, he burned a level of trust they had in them by lying to them. I said this to him, and he got very defensive. I told him, it wasn't an attack, I was just playing devil's advocate. I don't think he had ever thought about the situation from anyone's point of view but his own. This scares me a little. The history of drugs scare me a little. The fact that he's been living in San Diego since October, has his degree and all he's been doing is side carpentry jobs and delivering flowers scares me. He wants things to change, he wants to be here, he wants to do something different and better with his life, I'm just not sure if he will. He said that he didn't think he wanted to get back into contruction again. I said to him that he could see what's out there, get a job doing that, because he's good at it and he knows it, and still take a photography class. It's feasible. He seemed to agree, he said that City College offered a Tuesday/Thursday class. I said with a smile, "It's time to be a big boy." He smiled back and agreed.
He needs to step it up. He needs to be responsible, he needs to realize that he is accountable for his own decisions and actions. I'm not going to be a happy girl with him if he continues to screw around and drink and party, when he needs to take some action and make some positive changes actually happen in his life.
What have I gotten into? Do I take a risk on this guy? Do I give him a chance? Or am I trying to fix someone that needs to fix himself? He trusts me. He said that he really wants this to work, that he hasn't felt like this about anyone in a really long time. And when I look into his eyes, I know he's telling me the truth and is being so open with me, and it melts me.
He said that there's so much he wants to tell me, and so much he wants me to know about him. I told him I wanted to know it all. He got increasingly anxious as he was about to confess his past to me. Then I started to get nervous. He came out with it, he went through a lot before he moved out here last year. A lot as in a gigantic downward spiral. He had a pretty hefty coke addiction back in North Carolina and it seems he lost his way some where in college. He left to change. He left for a fresh start. So far San Diego hasn't really offered that to him, well it hasn't been handed to him anyways.
He kept telling me that it all changed a couple of weeks ago when we first started hanging out. He said over and over again that all these changes in him came to fruition and it was my doing. I told him that I didn't do anything, all of these changes, things that he had done happened because he made the decision to make them happen. For some reason he wasn't buying it. I really didn't do anything, I didn't even say anything, even make any kind of suggestion. He kept insisting that everything was changing because of me. I think he needs to give himself a little more credit.
The more he talked about his past, the more it seemed to me that he felt like he had been at a disadvantage of some sort because of his own internal struggle to please those around him. He had been "cut-off" by his parents when he was in college because he lied to them about drugs and then got caught in the lie. I was a little flabbergasted. Of course they were upset, he burned a level of trust they had in them by lying to them. I said this to him, and he got very defensive. I told him, it wasn't an attack, I was just playing devil's advocate. I don't think he had ever thought about the situation from anyone's point of view but his own. This scares me a little. The history of drugs scare me a little. The fact that he's been living in San Diego since October, has his degree and all he's been doing is side carpentry jobs and delivering flowers scares me. He wants things to change, he wants to be here, he wants to do something different and better with his life, I'm just not sure if he will. He said that he didn't think he wanted to get back into contruction again. I said to him that he could see what's out there, get a job doing that, because he's good at it and he knows it, and still take a photography class. It's feasible. He seemed to agree, he said that City College offered a Tuesday/Thursday class. I said with a smile, "It's time to be a big boy." He smiled back and agreed.
He needs to step it up. He needs to be responsible, he needs to realize that he is accountable for his own decisions and actions. I'm not going to be a happy girl with him if he continues to screw around and drink and party, when he needs to take some action and make some positive changes actually happen in his life.
What have I gotten into? Do I take a risk on this guy? Do I give him a chance? Or am I trying to fix someone that needs to fix himself? He trusts me. He said that he really wants this to work, that he hasn't felt like this about anyone in a really long time. And when I look into his eyes, I know he's telling me the truth and is being so open with me, and it melts me.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Oh Brent
Brent never called. No biggie, a little disappointed, but got over it pretty quick. On Friday, he walked by my office and held his hand up to his face with his pinky and thumb out and said "Give me a call later." I just said okay, before I really realized what happened or what he said. I don't have Brent's number. I couldn't call him. Should I march my little butt down to his office and tell him? I opted out on that one as well. I was leaving for the day and wouldn't you know it, there's Brent in the lobby.
"Did you call me?" he asks. I said I didn't have his number. "You could have come by my office." he replied. I told him that I didn't even know if he was in the office, I saw him leave but never saw him come back. He asked me to come by his office on Monday because he wanted to talk to me. We all know what's coming next...
Today, I went down to his office, close the door behind me per his request, and he comes over to hug me. It was a good hug, and then he kisses me on the cheek (just a peck), and smells my neck. He tell me I smell good. Surprised, I say thanks. We sat down and proceeded to chit-chat. Then, the real reason he wanted to talk comes out. He wanted me to know that he had a really good time when we went out, and he was sorry he hadn't called. He said he wanted me to know that it was because of his stuff going on. Okay. Fine, it's fine, really. I told him I know, that I've been doing this long enough to know that if someone doesn't call, that they either have other stuff going on, or their not interested or whatever. It's fine and completely unnecessary. I told him I appreciate the gesture but again it's not necessary. He said he felt like it was because we see each other everyday. We talk for a couple more minutes and he says that he hopes we can do it again sometime in the future. I smiled, and said "Me too."
As I was getting up to leave he gets up to give me another hug. I coyly ask "Oh, I get another hug?" He says sure and that he wanted to smell me again and asks if that's allowed. I said I didn't know. Still hugging me he starts to kiss my neck. Of course I like it. I snicker a little and ask if that's allowed. He said "I don't know, you tell me." I pull away a little and say, "I don't know, you're the one with the 'stuff' goin' on." Basically, you can't tell me you can't see me because you have stuff to work through and then still get to kiss me. It doesn't work like that Brent! He smiles and nods and says "How about a fist pound? Is that allowed?" Smart ass. I give him a fist pound and he holds my hand for a split second as we make a joke about cold hands.
It was fine. I still have a smile on my face about it. I'm sure we'll continue to smile and flirt and give each other looks in passing. Which I like anyways. I have a feeling this falls into my "Unfinished Business" category and there may be another installment of Brent sometime in the future. We shall see.
"Did you call me?" he asks. I said I didn't have his number. "You could have come by my office." he replied. I told him that I didn't even know if he was in the office, I saw him leave but never saw him come back. He asked me to come by his office on Monday because he wanted to talk to me. We all know what's coming next...
Today, I went down to his office, close the door behind me per his request, and he comes over to hug me. It was a good hug, and then he kisses me on the cheek (just a peck), and smells my neck. He tell me I smell good. Surprised, I say thanks. We sat down and proceeded to chit-chat. Then, the real reason he wanted to talk comes out. He wanted me to know that he had a really good time when we went out, and he was sorry he hadn't called. He said he wanted me to know that it was because of his stuff going on. Okay. Fine, it's fine, really. I told him I know, that I've been doing this long enough to know that if someone doesn't call, that they either have other stuff going on, or their not interested or whatever. It's fine and completely unnecessary. I told him I appreciate the gesture but again it's not necessary. He said he felt like it was because we see each other everyday. We talk for a couple more minutes and he says that he hopes we can do it again sometime in the future. I smiled, and said "Me too."
As I was getting up to leave he gets up to give me another hug. I coyly ask "Oh, I get another hug?" He says sure and that he wanted to smell me again and asks if that's allowed. I said I didn't know. Still hugging me he starts to kiss my neck. Of course I like it. I snicker a little and ask if that's allowed. He said "I don't know, you tell me." I pull away a little and say, "I don't know, you're the one with the 'stuff' goin' on." Basically, you can't tell me you can't see me because you have stuff to work through and then still get to kiss me. It doesn't work like that Brent! He smiles and nods and says "How about a fist pound? Is that allowed?" Smart ass. I give him a fist pound and he holds my hand for a split second as we make a joke about cold hands.
It was fine. I still have a smile on my face about it. I'm sure we'll continue to smile and flirt and give each other looks in passing. Which I like anyways. I have a feeling this falls into my "Unfinished Business" category and there may be another installment of Brent sometime in the future. We shall see.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
So, my boyfriend just left
Ray was going to come up and hang out for a coffee or something while I was studying. Just a little break. I came home from work, went to the store and picked up some stuff for dinner. I got home and as I started to cook dinner I thought he might like to come over sooner than later and then I could just study later. He came right up after I spoke to him and had dinner with me.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before about Ray, but he's fashionably-challenged. He came over wearing a "Bonnaroo" shirt, some jean shorts and some tennis shoes. No problem right? Wrong. Bonnaroo looked like it had been to hell and back - there was a hole the size of my right hand along the seam under his left arm. What would possess someone to wear something like that out in public? Why? I'm really trying to not be superficial, but come on! The boy needs some help! I mean not that I was terribly dressed up, I came home and got into my workout pants to be comfortable. At least all of my seams are sewn together.
After dinner we went to the couch and sat at talked, well he did. About college basketball. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sportsfan, more than a lot of women actually, but basketball is not my schtick. I'more of a football/baseball kind of gal. I'm happy to listen though. He gets all excited and riled up about Carolina, and Duke, and their rivalry with East Carolina. Super. Thanks, Ray, I was really concerned about NCAA coaches and their winning years.
At any rate, I'm really scared here. He is so nice and so into me and it scares me. He tells me I'm beautiful all of the time. We were sitting facing eachother and I got lost in a gaze and he just says, "God, you're just beautiful, you're so beautiful, everything you do." Wow. Stuff like that scares the crap out of me. I told him I don't know what to do with him, this is where my effective communication skills are a bit lacking. I really mean I don't know what to do with him, how to categorize him, how/if/where to fit him into my life. I know Ray would do anything for me, anything I wanted, needed, ever asked of him. Why am I so scared? Isn't this what I wanted for so long from everyone of my exes? He said that he's not ready to tell me how he feels about me yet. I just my fall over if he uses the "L" word on me.
My friend Nate and I were talking today about breaking our cycle as far as relationships go. Looking for and finding someone who treats us well, who doesn't come with a bunch of drama and issues, someone who looks at us and thinks the same thing we do when we look at them. Isn't that what we're all looking for? Does it ever happen concurrently? Or does someone always like the other person more than the other? Am I just overthinking everything? Should I just go with it even if I think I'm going to end up breaking this guy's big ol' sweet heart?
Oh God. I must be getting close to my cycle, because I just saw the season finale of The King of Queens and I welled up a little. Oh, and a KFC commercial just came on and it looked delicious. Yup, I'm gonna start soon for sure.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before about Ray, but he's fashionably-challenged. He came over wearing a "Bonnaroo" shirt, some jean shorts and some tennis shoes. No problem right? Wrong. Bonnaroo looked like it had been to hell and back - there was a hole the size of my right hand along the seam under his left arm. What would possess someone to wear something like that out in public? Why? I'm really trying to not be superficial, but come on! The boy needs some help! I mean not that I was terribly dressed up, I came home and got into my workout pants to be comfortable. At least all of my seams are sewn together.
After dinner we went to the couch and sat at talked, well he did. About college basketball. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sportsfan, more than a lot of women actually, but basketball is not my schtick. I'more of a football/baseball kind of gal. I'm happy to listen though. He gets all excited and riled up about Carolina, and Duke, and their rivalry with East Carolina. Super. Thanks, Ray, I was really concerned about NCAA coaches and their winning years.
At any rate, I'm really scared here. He is so nice and so into me and it scares me. He tells me I'm beautiful all of the time. We were sitting facing eachother and I got lost in a gaze and he just says, "God, you're just beautiful, you're so beautiful, everything you do." Wow. Stuff like that scares the crap out of me. I told him I don't know what to do with him, this is where my effective communication skills are a bit lacking. I really mean I don't know what to do with him, how to categorize him, how/if/where to fit him into my life. I know Ray would do anything for me, anything I wanted, needed, ever asked of him. Why am I so scared? Isn't this what I wanted for so long from everyone of my exes? He said that he's not ready to tell me how he feels about me yet. I just my fall over if he uses the "L" word on me.
My friend Nate and I were talking today about breaking our cycle as far as relationships go. Looking for and finding someone who treats us well, who doesn't come with a bunch of drama and issues, someone who looks at us and thinks the same thing we do when we look at them. Isn't that what we're all looking for? Does it ever happen concurrently? Or does someone always like the other person more than the other? Am I just overthinking everything? Should I just go with it even if I think I'm going to end up breaking this guy's big ol' sweet heart?
Oh God. I must be getting close to my cycle, because I just saw the season finale of The King of Queens and I welled up a little. Oh, and a KFC commercial just came on and it looked delicious. Yup, I'm gonna start soon for sure.
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