Christmas Party

Saturday night was our Christmas party. My brother and I thought it would be fun to host a Christmas party/BBQ for our friend while he was in town from St. Louis. We had so much fun. Everyone had fun. I kept looking at all of the pictures today and smiling about it. What a good time!
Kurt was there, as he is at all of our friend/family functions now, because he too is our friend. I had convinced Kurt to stay the night at our house by selling the breakfast I was going to make in the morning. He shouldn't drive in that condition. He promptly made another drink and agreed. I set up a "bed" for him with some extra blankets in the living room. I was in my room talking to our friend Nick, when my brother came in and said that Kurt and our other friend Jason were leaving. We hopped up to re-convince them both to stay. When we came out, Kurt was already gone and there was no convincing Jason on staying.
The reason I bring this up is the oddness of Kurt. Kurt shouldn't have driven. He had a lot to drink. And when I saw him online and told him as much he told me he "got lonely" so he went to his local bar to find someone to spend the night with. Now, I don't want to be with Kurt, but I do care about him. He is my friend. I really still think that he is wrapped up in the idea of me. This sounds strange, and maybe self-centered, but it's the vibe I'm getting. He keeps telling me we're friends, and that everything is cool. But disappearing acts, odd pouting, and online conversations elude to something else. He could hardly look me in the face after I introduced him to Jeff on Thursday. And he seemed fine with the idea of staying last night until Nick and I were in my room, his tune changed really quick. And tonight while chatting online he said in so many words that this had been a particularly bad week, but I wouldn't know about that. Then he said that he hadn't been "kicked enough yet" and signed off right after telling me to sleep well. Sound fishy to you? Or am I just thinking the world revolves around me when it does not?

Thursday night out

My friend from St. Louis came into town, and some of his other friends were hosting a night out on his behalf this past Thursday, so my plan was to go out for a couple of drinks and hang out with that crowd for the night. While at dinner my phone rings and it was Jeff. He had called to see what I was up to and if I wanted to do something. I of course invited him out with us. I had him meet me at the Prospect Bar & Grill. The attire for the bar was a little dressier and I had neglected to tell him that previously. He showed up in jeans and a t-shirt, but looked great. We ended up spending most of the night sitting at the bar and chatting. It was so fun, and time seemed to fly by. We got some good kisses in, we flirted, we reminisced, and even danced a little. I can't help but smile just thinking about it. I'm really enjoying this time that I'm getting to spend with Jeff again. I seem to not want the day or night to end when I'm around him.
With Christmas in two days I'm not sure when I'll get to see him again, but I hope I get to see him before I leave town for Arizona for New Years Eve.

Brent who?

Today at work all I could think about of course was Jeff. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face no matter how hard I tried. Well, Brent and all his charm came by this afternoon to let me know that he'd still like to go out dancing. He asked if I was available this week. I must have looked at him like he was crazy. It's the week before Christmas, he doesn't call me ever, but expects me to be free whenever he comes by my office? What?! I laughed and said "Are you kidding? The week before Christmas?" I have to do all of my Christmas shopping today and tomorrow, and I have friends coming into town that I already have plans with. He rolled his eyes with a smile and asked "What about next week, towards the end of the week?" I know I had to give him an even crazier look, "New years weekend? I'm going out of town to visit a girlfriend!" And with that he swatted his arm as if to say "forget it", smiled and left my office.

Old friends

Last Thursday I was heading out to PB to meet a couple girlfriends for happy hour and since I was going to be in the neighborhood I figured I'd give my friend a call and see if I could either stop by and pick up my roadside emergency kit or if he'd like to join us. He said he had to finish up some stuff at work but he'd like to come out and join us. I'm so glad he made it out, we talked and talked and talked some more, and when we left the bar we sat in my car and talked a little more. Through the course of the conversation I found out he had broken up with his girlfriend about three weeks prior. This stirred emotions. Still, unsure of what this is I kept my cool and gave him a big hug at the end of our talk and sent him on his way. We discussed that we would go watch some football together on the following Sunday. He asked if he could call me on Saturday, "Yes" I replied, what a silly question!
Saturday afternoon rolled around and he called as promised. We made arrangements for Sunday, agreeing to meet at his house and then ride bikes over to the PB Shore Club. He proceeded to ask what I was doing that night. I told him I needed to start getting my house in order, get a Christmas tree, and start decorating. He said that if I got a "wild hair" and wanted to join him and his friends out that I was more than welcome. This invitation and phone call made me giddy. I was so happy he called, so happy that I'd get to see him again. As the evening went on and I got more wrapped up in my cleaning, I figured I'd call him to let him know that I wouldn't be making it out. He was full of temptation though. He tried his hardest to get me to come out, but as time ticked on I decided it best for me to stay in.
Sunday morning we met up, rode bikes, and watched football as planned. He looked great. And again, it was nice to see him. As the day went on, we got closer. As in sitting next to each other, more knee pats and elbows touching kinda stuff. Mild flirtations, but nonetheless, still flirtation. We changed venues about a quarter into our second game. When the Chargers had a comfortable enough lead I suggested we watch a different game, so we separated from his buddies who had joined us later and went off to find a table. There we sat, more flirting, more smiles, more touching. At one point he was holding my hand to warm me up, but then we didn't let go. It sounds funny to say now. But then we started to talk about how things ended before. How comfortable this seemed, How he has always liked me, and I him. It was nice. It's making me smile a day later just thinking about it. But, I was running out of time. I had to come back home still and get stuff together for a Christmas party at a friends house. I said I didn't want to leave, he said he didn't want me to leave, but we left anyways. When we got back to his house and put the bikes away we hugged. A big, long, squeeze the life outta ya hug, it felt so good! He nestled his face in my neck, and I did the same to his, this was it, now or never, I kissed his neck, he pulled back to look at me, I asked if that was okay, already knowing the answer and he said yes, that he was going to go for it if I didn't and then we kissed. A nice kiss. Long enough, but not too long. I pulled back with a grin on my face and we pulled out of our hug, I said I should go, and he said "Come'ere darlin'" and gave me another big hug. Then, I finally left. I feel like I've stepped into a time machine and gone back two years, he's all I can think about.
I have issues though. He just broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago, I really do not want to be his rebound. I deserve better than that, he knows it too, he better anyways! I don't know if I should talk to him about it all, I think that's my best bet. I'd like to date him again, to see what may happen. After all these years of knowing him it still feels like unfinished business. At any rate, I can't wait to see him again, I don't know when that will be, but I'm hoping soon.

Monday at the office

Too cute, on his way to lunch today Brent stops and in a stage whisper across my office "I had fun on Friday!". It made me smile! I said me too and he went on his way. We'll see what this week holds.

1:17 AM

Here I sit. 1:17AM on a Saturday morning. I just had a very nice date with the ever illusive Brent. We saw a movie and then had a beer afterwards at Rock Bottom. This felt like a real date. There was no making out in the bar. No groping. Just conversation at the brewery and a long, well-written, depressing movie.
We saw "Atonement". I wouldn't say I liked it, but I would probably say it was a good movie. After the movie we walked across the way to TGIFridays. The place was PACKED for some reason and he suggested we go some place else. This is how we ended up at Rock Bottom. He did however have to go in and check out the place beforehand because he knew some of the "basketball guys" were going to be there. The coast was clear so we went in, and talked over a beer. A single beer, that's it this time, and I'm glad. Last call was shouted when I was in the restroom, and when I came back out the lights were on and he was ready to go. He walked me to my car, said thank you for going to the movies with him and said that we should do it again sometime soon. I said "Yea?" and he kissed me. We had a normal date, it was fun! So, here I sit at 1:27AM now wondering if he is thinking about me. Wondering if there will be a second date this time around. Will he actually use my number? I had a really good time, so I hope he does call, and I hope we do go out again. With all this, I think my day has been long enough and I think I can go to sleep finally.

He's too confusing

Oh Brent, you're so confusing. No calls, no other mentions of going out again. But, yesterday he walks straight into my office, right up to my desk just to chit-chat. We say our hellos from day to day, but nothing more. I have no idea what is going on. No idea.

MySpace, YourSpace, HisSpace

In my last post I mentioned that Jesse, the guy from the bar a couple weeks ago had given me his number in his last email to me. My next move was to give him my number and tell him to call me, I didn't want to call him. I didn't hear from him through MySpace or on the phone, it surprised me, but I wasn't upset about it, just confused. I just received a MySpace message from him regarding his "disappearing act". He said that someone from his past just popped back up and didn't want to leave me hanging. I thought that was very nice. Most guys would have just left it as it was, but he didn't. I guess they're not all that bad huh?

Friday night in

Today it poured cats and dogs all day. I loved it! When I got home from work I went to Blockbuster and picked up a movie. I came home, made some tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich and settled in for movie night!

This week was rather uneventful as far as the men are concerned. The Saturday night "hook-up" never called. Neither did Brent. But, I have still been emailing with the other guy from the bar on MySpace. He gave me his number today in an email. I'm not sure what my next move is.

An unexpected call came in on Thursday night though. I was down at my parents' house watching my beloved Packers when my phone rings. It was a guy that I had a crush on from 21 on. We kept crossing paths and finally dated for about a 6 month stint through the summer of 2005. Great guy, gorgeous, and lots of fun. Anyways, he called to ask me about the Packers game and suggested that we get together and hang out sometime. One, he still has my roadside emergency kit from when we went to San Felipe, and two it'd be cool to hang out, like I said he's a good guy. No funny business here though, he's got a girlfriend! It'll be good to see an old friend.

Grrr...

I haven't talked to Brent since Monday when we were talking about going out for a beer on Wednesday night. Well, it's Wednesday and still no call. He does appear to be busy, running in and out of the office with a client, and he's all dressed up in a suit, so he probably has court. But still, that's why I gave him my number right? So he could call me!? Guess not.

The other call that I was sort of expecting was from my Saturday night hook-up. But still no word from him either. I asked my friends husband about him today. He said that the hook-up hasn't mentioned anything, but they've been really busy at work. His advice was to wait a couple weeks, and call him if I haven't heard from him, ask him if he wants to hang out.

The third... the guy from the bar that asked for my number but I only gave him my MySpace. We've been emailing back and forth, he seems like a nice guy, and I don't know, I'm thinking I should go out with him. What do you think?

An interesting Saturday night

Saturday was my best friend's birthday so a little group of us went out to celebrate. I had a blast! It was interesting because I apparently had my single sign on... 1) I was approached by a random guy in the bar, who asked for my number, but since I wouldn't give it to him I gave him my MySpace instead. (The world we live in huh?) 2) Kurt is back at it apparently, I got a random text asking me to go out with him as "more than friends". I didn't respond. 3) Another friend of our group decided it would be a good night to play the jealous boyfriend to try and pick up on me? I don't know what that was about. 4) I hooked up with someone whom I had made out with on New Years a couple of years ago. Craziness. I hope that the "hook up" actually calls me though. I actually like him, he's fun and a good guy. It seems like he likes me, but who knows.

Wednesday is supposed to be my rescheduled meeting with Brent. I postponed last week, there was just too much going on already. We'll see. I can't figure out if this man is interested in me or not. He's so wish-washy, but damn he's hot!

Too tired

I e-mailed my professor this afternoon to tell her that I wouldn't be in class tonight. I'm too tired. In fact I think I'm going to go to bed here pretty soon. Plus, I get to avoid 702Creep. This guy from Las Vegas who I think likes me, he's weird, and sort of creepy. I only have one class left, on Saturday, and that's only for the test. I can't wait for this week to be over.

Too much going on

Today is Monday, so let me back up a little.
Friday, Brent stopped to hassle me a bit on his way out of his office somewhere. It was 3:15 and I was still at work. Yes, I work until 3:45. At any rate it made me smile that he popped by to flirt with me. On my way out of the office at 3:45 he was on his way back into the building. We caught each other's eye and connected to chit-chat and flirt some more. He asked if I had spoken to my ex lately (with whom he knows) I told him not really, that we don't really talk much. "So you guys aren't back together yet?" No. We're not, and that's not going to happen. To which he responded that he'd like to take me out for a beer again if I was interested. SIGH. Yes, of course I was interested. We talked about doing something the following week, Thanksgiving week, now, this week.
Today, this morning, my grandfather passed away. At 2:35 a.m. actually. It has been a hard day. Tomorrow I have class, and in the days to come I have lots of studying to do along with a paper to write. Not to mention my best friend's birthday. This has already been a crazy week and it's only Monday.

A night in

That's right, another night in. And this time all by myself, and I'm loving it. I rented a couple of movies from Blockbuster - where, by the way, I had to finally get my own Blockbuster card, I don't think I've rented a movie by myself, ever. I picked up some La Salsa for dinner, came home and ate in front of the TV while I watched "Friends With Money". Oh. My. God. It was seriously like watching a two hour Cymbalta commercial. It was strange, and uncomfortable, and sort of depressing. I would not recommend this movie to anyone I like. Next up: "Notes on a Scandal".

Two notes...

On Halloween I was taking my brother's girlfriend to her best friend's house to pick up a costume when she needed to use my phone to call my brother. She opened it up and searched through the "R"s and said "Who's that!?" So, I got to talking about my past as a crazy dater. Reminiscing of sorts, it was fun thinking back to my hey-days, a whopping two years ago! I used to get asked out left and right, it was fun!

The other note was that I was at the bank yesterday and while waiting in the merchant teller area a gentleman who was also sitting waiting for assistance tried to strike up a conversation. We were making polite small talk when my turn came up. After my transaction, I turned and said goodbye, he asked for my card. I don't have cards, I'm a receptionist, I told him the best way to get in touch with me was my e-mail. I think it's funny that I didn't want to even give him my phone number! He still jumped at the opportunity. Just something that made me smile, thinking back to my hey-days again.

Nothing new

I have nothing new to report, life has been boring lately. Well, not boring, but boring on the dating front. I haven't met anyone new. I'm wondering if I should change the name of my blog to "A Drought In San Diego". ;)

Something New

This coming weekend I'm excited to report that I'm trying something new. Venturing out of my little social bubble. I'm going to a "Pimp-N-Ho" party in Mission Beach. I have some friends that go every year, and a couple more friends that are going for the first time like I am. I am rollin' pimp-less, as I am currently pimp-less. However, I am pretty excited to go to something I normally wouldn't go to. Wish me luck!

It's been a little while

Wow! October 7th already and I don't really have anything to report on the sating front. I had such a great weekend though.
Friday night I went to Oktoberfest with my dad, brothers, and some friends. It was kind of boring after a little while and with the crowds it was really hard to keep everyone together. I accidentally called my friend from high school who I haven't talked to in a long time when I was trying to call my best friends husband (both start with C - one click away in my phone). I ended up going to hang out with the friend from high school and playing pool with him and his friends at Society's in PB. I had a lot of fun with them.
Saturday morning I woke up early and drove up to Manhattan Beach. Oh. My. God. It was beautiful up there. I've never been, and I absolutely loved it!
Today was a great day too. Got up watched some football, took a shower, watched some football, took a nap, watched some more football. Great Sunday!
Meanwhile, I still have a crush on Brent and Kurt kept texting me this weekend eventhough I wasn't texting back.

The end of September

As the last night of September draws to a close I find myself reflecting upon the happenings of the last month or so. Yesterday, I went to Irvine with some friends to the Jimmy Buffett show. My friend decided to take it upon herself to play matchmaker. I ended up giving my number to a guy who we were partying with in the parking lot, he wanted to come up to the lawn and find us. He called, but then he cut out, so he never found us. I didn't care, in all reality, I didn't really want him to come up, I was having a blast without him there and I didn't want him to come complicate things.
Today I got a text message from said guy, "Sorry, my phone died". I text him back and said that it was okay. He wrote back and asked "What are you doing tonight?" I didn't respond.

Feeling bad... kinda

Things with Ray have finally fizzled out I think. I haven't seen him in a while, but I had spoken to him a couple times last week. He called on Friday while I was at the Padres game, so I didn't get the call. Saturday I was at Street Scene, so I didn't call him back until Sunday. He hasn't called me back, so I guess that's that? Which is fine. I didn't really want to handle it that way. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't really interested in dating anyone right now. I didn't want to leave things this way... Poor guy, he was nothing but sweet to me and I didn't want things as much as he did, that's all.

Meanwhile, Brent and I have started a mild flirtation again. It's fun, I like it, I always have. He asked me about the Flower Guy yesterday. I said he was out. I got a pretty funny look that I couldn't read. When he asked what happened I told him nothing, it just wasn't there. And then I got another funny look. Who knows!

Late night thoughts

Yesterday my ex popped up online. He said hi and told me he had gone back to New York for Rosh Hashanah. I got to thinking about things. It's sort of a bad habit of mine. He recently got two kittens. Who watched them while he was out of town? Then it hit me as I sat and watched "Gray's Anatomy", if we had stayed together, I bet I would have been the person watching those kittens. I got mad for a second, thinking of all of the trips he had left me behind on, never getting an invitation to go back East to meet his family. But then, it hit me. I made the right decision! I chose to step away because I realized that I was not what he wanted, and more importantly I realized that he was not what I wanted. I didn't want to be with someone that didn't want to include me in his life like I included him (or at least tried).
I'm glad. It put me at peace to have this reiterated.

I got a happy feeling this morning

Why? Because Fall is here! I was cool last night, snuggled up under my covers (alone, and loving it). This morning I came out and my brother had "NFL Countdown" on. When I went and got a bagel at Einstein Bros. they have their "autumn blend" coffee out. It's Autumn in San Diego, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Hmmmm....

Just when I say, "I need some alone time, some Lily-time." Brent rolls by yesterday to invite me to Mexico with him on Saturday. Yes, I wanna go. DAMMIT! I already have plans though as my cousin whom I haven't seen in 7 years is in town. Can't go.
What is it about this guy? I can't figure it out...

Alone time

I'm so enjoying my alone time. Maybe too much lately. I've enjoyed going to visit my parents or grandparents at the drop of a hat. I love being able to hang out at my house or in my room all by myself or out with my brother and his girlfriend. I like not having to worry about entertaining someone else or stroking their ego.
I didn't see Ray this weekend, and it's not even like he's very high maintenance. It was nice to do my own thing on my own time.
I'm also extremely frustrated with men in general lately. The Kurt thing on Thursday night kinda kicked it into high gear. Aren't any of them good guys with good intentions? When they do have good intentions they just annoy me, I don't know what's wrong. I don't know if it's me. But I do know I'm very frustrated these days.

Boring days...

I've been sort of laying low lately. I don't really want or need the attention I've been receiving so I'm trying to hide out. Therefore, nothing good to report to the blog. I do have a story from this week though.
Yesterday, I was invited by Kurt to have a beer with him and his buddy down at the Waterfront. Kurt and I have been talking and hanging out on a friend level so I figured it sounded safe enough. I walked in, and didn't feel safe. I was getting weird looks from Kurt, and his buddy was making references to Kurt and me doing things together or hanging out. I had a couple beers and when I was getting up to go to the restroom Kurt leans across the table and says "Come here". I asked "What?" at first I thought he was gonna gossip about his buddy or something, and then I caught on. I playfully slapped his face twice and said "No, no." and hopped off my stool and went to the bathroom. He wanted to kiss me. He's such a pain in the ass. I need to not hang out with him I guess. It's too uncomfortable and weird and frustrating and annoying now.

Holiday weekend dilemma

Yesterday I went to dinner with Ray. It was nice, we went to Pampa's an Argentinian grill. My heart is not in this however. It's time for me to cut him lose. I just have to get up the nerve. He asked me last night if I'd go shopping with him today, I agreed, this boy needs all the help he can get fashion-wise. He hasn't called though and now I'm getting ready to go to the pool. I think I am going to go to the Padres game tonight with my brothers also, so there goes that window of opportunity. Tomorrow is the racetrack day, he bought us tickets a while ago for this Double-Decker bus to take us to the races and back at the end of the day. It's through this bar by his house that he really likes going to and he's very excited about it. I already told him I'd go, so I feel obligated, plus he paid $40 for my ticket already. I don't really want to though. See why I just need to end it? But when? How? What is my excuse?
'

Dreams

This morning I woke up with a gasp and my heart racing and pissed off. All from a dream. I dreamt that it was New Years Eve and for some reason I was drunk and alone and ended up at my exes house. I slept on the floor, because I didn't want to sleep with him in his bed. And he slept on the couch. The next morning I woke up to him hugging me and rolling me over to kiss me. It felt so good, so nice, so safe. He was fully dressed and said "You better give me a New Years kiss". So I did. Then he said he had to go. "Where are you going?" I asked. He said "To church!" WHAT? He's Jewish, he doesn't go to synagogue, let alone church. He said "Yea, Angie's been bugging me about it and you know how she is, and if I don't go..." Angie is his co-worker, my former co-worker. I got PISSED. I started to say "So, you'll go to church-" and then I stopped myself. I realized it wasn't worth fighting about. He was my ex, and so obviously not worth it. I wanted to say "You'll go to church with Angie, but not with me for Easter, or to Christmas dinner at my parent's house?"
But then I woke up, with the gasp and heart racing and anger. Still too much anger and resentment towards him. I don't like it. I don't want it. What do I do about it?

On my nerves

After not seeing Ray since last Sunday, we finally connected today. We spoke earlier today and planned on going to the pool later in the afternoon and going to see "Super Bad". He didn't finish up what he was doing until after 6 though, and didn't get up here until 7:30 so we just went out to eat. He lost his ATM card last week so he had no money to pay for his dinner. That's fine. Whatever, I'll pay. At the restaurant though it seemed like all he could do was make snide remarks about this or that, and just had a negative attitude in general about things. The waiter, the food, things I was talking about, the music. It wasn't that fun. I felt like I had to keep my niceness under control. I was just getting increasingly irritated with him, it was much like having dinner with a child who hasn't had thier afternoon nap. I felt as though I was having dinner with a child in many aspects anyways. I made sure to not be a bitch to him though, and tried not to be passive aggressive about things either. I kept trying to talk myself into being open to him. I don't think it's working.
After I paid we came home and I turned on the TV. I put on a "Rescue Me" I had on DVR and watched that. That was fine, because it was quiet time. When the show was over he started to kiss me and I stopped him and said I needed to talk to him. I told him that I didn't know what I was so scared of, but I was trying to figure it out and I think I need to step back a little. He said okay, and that he was starting to wonder about what was going on with me. I also told him that with school my free time is limited, and while I like spending time with him, or whomever my significant other is, but I also require a lot of personal time, and time with my friends, so I couldn't promise him a given amount of time. He also asked me how long it had been since I broke up with my ex, I told him May. He then asked how long we had been together. I told hime my standard "a year, this time" response. He didn't want details, so I didn't offer them. He only asked what this time meant, so I told him. He then said that 3 months isn't really very long, and he agreed that things had kind of gone fast. He said he understood and told me to keep "mullin' it over" and that he'd be here. I guess I could always use the unresolved issues angle if need be. It's not like I can say "Be less annoying and I'll want to hang out with you more." or "Why don't you give me a call when you get your shit together?" Can I?
Why does he get on my nerves so badly? Am I just looking for reasons? Sometimes, some of the stuff he says to me is everything I could possibly ever want from a man, so why doesn't it fit? I guess it's just me?

An intense conversation

I went over to Ray's last night to hang out. This was my first time up to his place. It was cool, old and lofty feeling, it was hot as hell up there though! We were going to watch Momento, he was eating some dinner and we had on Ice Age in the meantime. When he finished eating and cleaned that up he came over to kiss me. It was a nice kiss, and it got heated really fast, then his roommate came home! We sat and watched some Sports Center and hung out for a bit. When his roommate went to bed though, there we were, right back in the moment. It was nice. He disclosed how nervous he was to me and we ended up talking, a lot.
He said that there's so much he wants to tell me, and so much he wants me to know about him. I told him I wanted to know it all. He got increasingly anxious as he was about to confess his past to me. Then I started to get nervous. He came out with it, he went through a lot before he moved out here last year. A lot as in a gigantic downward spiral. He had a pretty hefty coke addiction back in North Carolina and it seems he lost his way some where in college. He left to change. He left for a fresh start. So far San Diego hasn't really offered that to him, well it hasn't been handed to him anyways.
He kept telling me that it all changed a couple of weeks ago when we first started hanging out. He said over and over again that all these changes in him came to fruition and it was my doing. I told him that I didn't do anything, all of these changes, things that he had done happened because he made the decision to make them happen. For some reason he wasn't buying it. I really didn't do anything, I didn't even say anything, even make any kind of suggestion. He kept insisting that everything was changing because of me. I think he needs to give himself a little more credit.
The more he talked about his past, the more it seemed to me that he felt like he had been at a disadvantage of some sort because of his own internal struggle to please those around him. He had been "cut-off" by his parents when he was in college because he lied to them about drugs and then got caught in the lie. I was a little flabbergasted. Of course they were upset, he burned a level of trust they had in them by lying to them. I said this to him, and he got very defensive. I told him, it wasn't an attack, I was just playing devil's advocate. I don't think he had ever thought about the situation from anyone's point of view but his own. This scares me a little. The history of drugs scare me a little. The fact that he's been living in San Diego since October, has his degree and all he's been doing is side carpentry jobs and delivering flowers scares me. He wants things to change, he wants to be here, he wants to do something different and better with his life, I'm just not sure if he will. He said that he didn't think he wanted to get back into contruction again. I said to him that he could see what's out there, get a job doing that, because he's good at it and he knows it, and still take a photography class. It's feasible. He seemed to agree, he said that City College offered a Tuesday/Thursday class. I said with a smile, "It's time to be a big boy." He smiled back and agreed.
He needs to step it up. He needs to be responsible, he needs to realize that he is accountable for his own decisions and actions. I'm not going to be a happy girl with him if he continues to screw around and drink and party, when he needs to take some action and make some positive changes actually happen in his life.
What have I gotten into? Do I take a risk on this guy? Do I give him a chance? Or am I trying to fix someone that needs to fix himself? He trusts me. He said that he really wants this to work, that he hasn't felt like this about anyone in a really long time. And when I look into his eyes, I know he's telling me the truth and is being so open with me, and it melts me.

Oh Brent

Brent never called. No biggie, a little disappointed, but got over it pretty quick. On Friday, he walked by my office and held his hand up to his face with his pinky and thumb out and said "Give me a call later." I just said okay, before I really realized what happened or what he said. I don't have Brent's number. I couldn't call him. Should I march my little butt down to his office and tell him? I opted out on that one as well. I was leaving for the day and wouldn't you know it, there's Brent in the lobby.
"Did you call me?" he asks. I said I didn't have his number. "You could have come by my office." he replied. I told him that I didn't even know if he was in the office, I saw him leave but never saw him come back. He asked me to come by his office on Monday because he wanted to talk to me. We all know what's coming next...
Today, I went down to his office, close the door behind me per his request, and he comes over to hug me. It was a good hug, and then he kisses me on the cheek (just a peck), and smells my neck. He tell me I smell good. Surprised, I say thanks. We sat down and proceeded to chit-chat. Then, the real reason he wanted to talk comes out. He wanted me to know that he had a really good time when we went out, and he was sorry he hadn't called. He said he wanted me to know that it was because of his stuff going on. Okay. Fine, it's fine, really. I told him I know, that I've been doing this long enough to know that if someone doesn't call, that they either have other stuff going on, or their not interested or whatever. It's fine and completely unnecessary. I told him I appreciate the gesture but again it's not necessary. He said he felt like it was because we see each other everyday. We talk for a couple more minutes and he says that he hopes we can do it again sometime in the future. I smiled, and said "Me too."
As I was getting up to leave he gets up to give me another hug. I coyly ask "Oh, I get another hug?" He says sure and that he wanted to smell me again and asks if that's allowed. I said I didn't know. Still hugging me he starts to kiss my neck. Of course I like it. I snicker a little and ask if that's allowed. He said "I don't know, you tell me." I pull away a little and say, "I don't know, you're the one with the 'stuff' goin' on." Basically, you can't tell me you can't see me because you have stuff to work through and then still get to kiss me. It doesn't work like that Brent! He smiles and nods and says "How about a fist pound? Is that allowed?" Smart ass. I give him a fist pound and he holds my hand for a split second as we make a joke about cold hands.
It was fine. I still have a smile on my face about it. I'm sure we'll continue to smile and flirt and give each other looks in passing. Which I like anyways. I have a feeling this falls into my "Unfinished Business" category and there may be another installment of Brent sometime in the future. We shall see.

So, my boyfriend just left

Ray was going to come up and hang out for a coffee or something while I was studying. Just a little break. I came home from work, went to the store and picked up some stuff for dinner. I got home and as I started to cook dinner I thought he might like to come over sooner than later and then I could just study later. He came right up after I spoke to him and had dinner with me.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before about Ray, but he's fashionably-challenged. He came over wearing a "Bonnaroo" shirt, some jean shorts and some tennis shoes. No problem right? Wrong. Bonnaroo looked like it had been to hell and back - there was a hole the size of my right hand along the seam under his left arm. What would possess someone to wear something like that out in public? Why? I'm really trying to not be superficial, but come on! The boy needs some help! I mean not that I was terribly dressed up, I came home and got into my workout pants to be comfortable. At least all of my seams are sewn together.
After dinner we went to the couch and sat at talked, well he did. About college basketball. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sportsfan, more than a lot of women actually, but basketball is not my schtick. I'more of a football/baseball kind of gal. I'm happy to listen though. He gets all excited and riled up about Carolina, and Duke, and their rivalry with East Carolina. Super. Thanks, Ray, I was really concerned about NCAA coaches and their winning years.
At any rate, I'm really scared here. He is so nice and so into me and it scares me. He tells me I'm beautiful all of the time. We were sitting facing eachother and I got lost in a gaze and he just says, "God, you're just beautiful, you're so beautiful, everything you do." Wow. Stuff like that scares the crap out of me. I told him I don't know what to do with him, this is where my effective communication skills are a bit lacking. I really mean I don't know what to do with him, how to categorize him, how/if/where to fit him into my life. I know Ray would do anything for me, anything I wanted, needed, ever asked of him. Why am I so scared? Isn't this what I wanted for so long from everyone of my exes? He said that he's not ready to tell me how he feels about me yet. I just my fall over if he uses the "L" word on me.
My friend Nate and I were talking today about breaking our cycle as far as relationships go. Looking for and finding someone who treats us well, who doesn't come with a bunch of drama and issues, someone who looks at us and thinks the same thing we do when we look at them. Isn't that what we're all looking for? Does it ever happen concurrently? Or does someone always like the other person more than the other? Am I just overthinking everything? Should I just go with it even if I think I'm going to end up breaking this guy's big ol' sweet heart?
Oh God. I must be getting close to my cycle, because I just saw the season finale of The King of Queens and I welled up a little. Oh, and a KFC commercial just came on and it looked delicious. Yup, I'm gonna start soon for sure.

Double Uh-Oh

Friday my brother asked me if I wanted to join him and some of his co-worker friends for happy hour at Rock Bottom Brewery down the street from our house. DUH! Happy hour is my favorite hour, why would I say no to that? I also called up Ray to see if he wanted to join us as well. He jumped at the opportunity. It was fun at Rock Bottom, but I'm not a big fan of their beers or their food really so I just had some wings, my brother and his girlfriend were about to leave around 6:30 and I didn't want to just hang out with his co-workers so Ray and I left also. We went to Turf Club down in Golden Hill! I haven't been their in ages it seems and Ray had never been there. We got there and there was about a 30 minute wait for a table so we sat and talked over a few beers. He's so sweet, and the more I talk to him, the more I like him. We found out even more little things that we seem to have in common. That happens pretty much every time we hang out though.
Saturday was our planned day. He came up with his friend/roommate and we went to my best friend's house to hang out there before the races. We sat around with my best friend's husband and his friends, drank beers and watch the Padres while we waited for others to show up. We walked over to the races, drank some beers, watched the ponies and hung out with the boys. It was a really good time! I ended up saying something to Ray about my potty mouth, and just said "your girl has an awful mouth" or something to that effect and he jumped on it. He asked me if he could call me his "girl" officially. I wasn't saying that at all, but I don't mind the idea of it. I really like hanging out with him, he's super sweet, a great kisser, so I told him he could if he wanted to. So, he kissed me and I supposed I have a boyfriend! Ray ended up staying the night and it was great. We laid in each others arms, we kissed, we didn't take it any further, I'm not ready to actually, and he didn't even try for it. He really is a gentleman to me. He says things to me, and I actually believe him. It's been a long time since I've had this sort of feeling about someone. Just laying in his arms makes me smile. Looking in his eyes scares me and makes me smile and makes my heart jump all at once. I'm happy! I just hope I don't get too scared and freak out about things.

Uh-oh

I like Ray. I LIKE him. We went to the movies last night. I wasn't sure about it, but I invited him over to have dinner with my brother and his girlfriend and me. We grilled and then hung out for a little bit before the movie. He's really cute. And so so sweet to me. I like him. Change of heart I guess. Maybe I just needed to hang out with him again.
I think I got so caught up in the idea of Brent that I didn't even give Ray a real chance. I'm glad I got to see him last night.

Last night on the phone

I called Ray last night to say hello, and see how his week was going. We started talking about the races on Saturday. He is going to go with me to my best friend and her husband's before the race and then have his friends meet up with us. He said he'd rather come hang out with me if that's okay. Then he asked what I was doing tomorrow night and if I wanted to go to the movies or something. That he doesn't think he can wait 'til Saturday to see me. WOW. Really forward, really sweet, but really forward. We're going to go to the movies tonight though.
Logically, he and I make sense together. He's really sweet, he's smart, we have a lot of the same interests, we can talk for days, he really likes me and I know he would treat me like a princess. I think there is just something missing for me though. Why can't I find someone like this that I feel the same about? Does that even exist? Or is the relationship always lop-sided? Does one person always have to like the other more than they like them? It doesn't seem fair, but it seems to be the way it goes.

Monday at the office

When Brent finally rolled into work this morning he did a nice little double take and gave me a quick "Hey Lily" and kept on walking. I returned the hello and couldn't do anything but smile from ear to ear.
About 30 minutes later Ray came into my office to make our Monday delivery. He was nervous to go back to my bosses office. He knew he was about to get hassled. He came back out with a smile on his face, and said "He remembers my name now." He asked me if I had heard about a Micro Brew Fest going on at the race track this weekend. I said I did, and that my friend's husband had just e-mailed a group of us and that I thought I was going to go with them. He said that he had mentioned it to some of his friends too and that they were going to go. I said that we would have to meet up. He said "definitely" and that he would talk to me later.
At the end of the day Brent was walking by my office, and peeked in to check out if it was safe for him to come in and talk to me. There was no one around so he stopped in with a grin on his face. He asked how my day was. And then asked, with a smirk if I had a good weekend. I said "Yea, it was good!" and gave out a little chuckle. I asked him how his was as he started to step away from the door way. He said "It was okay!" "Just okay?" I shouted after him. He popped his head around the door and said "I'm just teasin'!" With that he took off.

I've got it bad for Brent for sure. I was talking with a girlfriend of mine today about him. She asked me what I wanted from him. If I was just interested in him because of the sexual attraction, or if there was something else there. I didn't know how to answer. I like him, he's a nice man, he funny, and fun, and intelligent. I definitely think he is handsome, and am so attracted to him. But is this a sexual thing? I wonder if that's all this is... I'm back in my head again. And he hasn't even asked me out again. All this thinking and it may all be for nothing! On that note, I have some more thinking to do and I think the best place to do this is in my bed!

Weekend in Review

Saturday with Ray: He picked me up at 7, he got out, told me I looked nice and then opened the door for my side of the truck. I got really nervous as I was walking out, but I hopped up into the truck and we were off. We went to Sushi Ota, a sushi joint in PB. It was great, we talked and ate some sushi for a little over two hours. We jumped back into the truck and we were off to the Catamaran to catch the Bahia Belle. As we're waiting, we were talking, and joking, and laughing, and having a great time. We caught word that the Belle was sold out, so we had to find a new destination. We went to Jose's Court Room. It was busy, and a good mixed crowd. We had a couple more beers and talked and laughed some more. My cheeks hurt from laughing so much that night. It was a really good time. He took me home and asked if he could walk me to my door. He was a total gentlemen. Walked me to my door and I invited him in, and we sat on the couch and talked some more. He was so sweet. We kissed and he told me that he had been wanting to do that for "about 6 months now". I walked him out and kissed him goodnight (even in my heels I still had to stand on my toes to reach him) he asked me when he could call me, if tomorrow was too soon. I told him he could call me tomorrow.

Sunday with Brent: I wore a sundress and flip flops since he said to dress casual. I showed up at a couple minutes before 4 and ordered a beer. A Yellowtail to be precise. Started to drink and I was just sitting waiting when Brent showed up. He came over and said hello and kissed me on the cheek. I was so nervous. After all, I only had the hots for this man since I first met him way back in October. He asked if I played pool, I told him I can, it's fun, but that I wasn't very good at it. He too ordered a Yellowtail, and we went into the bar and played a couple rounds of pool. He proceeded to tell me that he went out with a friend of his the night before and "guess who I ran into?" he asked. I rolled my eyes and asked if he went out in PB. He said yes, and immediately I knew he was talking about my ex. He nodded and said he started to feel a little guilty when he saw him, especially when he introduced Brent to his friend as "the guy that works down the hall from Lily". I asked "are you kidding me? That's who you are to him? The guy that works down the hall from me? That's it?" I told him that I didn't feel like I owed my ex anything and that he and I were not going to get back together. We moved on from me getting my ass kicked twice at pool to a table. We continued to talk and flirt and talk some more. He asked me to come over to his side of the table. Of course I went. He started to touch my leg and caress my back, and then - he kissed me. It sort of caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting it, not then, not there. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't objecting, I was a willing participant. Three beers deep I went to the restroom, when I came back he had already asked for the bill. He paid the bill and asked me if I'd walk him to his car, I immediately said "Depends on where you're parked." I'm such a smart ass sometimes! He sort of chuckled and said he was "right out here". We went out and he was parked on the same street as me. He said "Oh then you can drive me to my car!" Okay, so hop in, I'll give you a ride Brent. We got in my car and I asked which one was his, and how far I needed to go up. He pointed back and said "that one". Of course! The Expedition! He has three sons, what else would he drive?! Oh god. I pull over to let him out and he says that he was glad he came out and met up with me, I said that I was too and we kissed again. He said he wanted a hug, I leaned over my center console and with my seat belt restraining me, tried to hug him. It just wasn't working so I said that I wanted a real hug and hopped out of the car to meet him on the sidewalk for a hug and of course a kiss. He just sat in the passenger seat and said "come here, give me a hug then." I came in, sat on his lap, wrapped my arms around him and kissed him some more. He's so hot, and while I wanted to do more than just kiss this guy, I didn't want things to go much further right then and there. He kissed me on the lips and worked his way down my neck onto my chest and said that he wanted to feel my "B's". I through my head back with a smirk on my face and said "I bet you do!" He kissed me some more and went in to peek at my "B's". I pulled away slightly and he asked me "If it was him or where we were?" I said that it was because it was now, basically, I didn't want to take it any further right then. Which was a lie. I wanted to rip his clothes off, right then, right there. On that side street in La Jolla, in the daylight with bar patrons walking by. I don't know why, but I am so hot for this 43 year old man. So hot. He got out of my car, got in his dad-mobile and drove off.
Tomorrow will be interesting to see Ray and Brent, and to see how things are and what will be done and said. I didn't think this far ahead, but now I'm anxious to see what will become of this, and how close these two guys really are. We shall see! As for now, I have Brent on the brain and a guilty feeling about Ray.

When you can talk forever

I called Ray on my way home from school tonight, I wanted to talk to him again, and I wanted to find out whether he was able to get reservations at the sushi restaurant that we were talking about going to on Tuesday when we first spoke. He said that he was able to get us a table at 7:30. Sounds great to me! So, that left the chore of what to do after dinner. I told him that I didn't want to go to a movie, because I wanted to be able to talk with him. He said he was thinking the same thing. He said that he was asking some coworkers about what to do and they suggested the Bahia Belle. I knew what it was but I was thinking that it was expensive, he said it's only $6 to take a ride around the bay and it stops at the Catamaran. It sounds like so much fun! I've never done that before, and I'm so excited to go do it now!!
We ended up just talking, and talking and talking some more. For someone who is "not a phone person" he sure can talk! It was really nice though, we seem to have some similar quirks and interests and now I'm really excited to go out with him on Saturday. An hour an a half later, we finally got off the phone, and even then it was a conscience effort to actually hang up with him. He's smart, and funny, and sweet, and cute, and he's tall! Thank God! A tall one! Saturday should be a good time.

I have two dates!

Ray on Saturday. And now Brent on Sunday. That's right, the ever-illusive Brent and I are going out on Sunday. "Sunday at four." I was informed just today. I think I am more excited to go out with Brent, as I have had a crush on him longer than I've known Ray. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but it is. I also happen to think that I am far too excited to go out with a man 16 years my senior who has three young boys. I am also excited to find out about him first hand for more than a 2 minute, passing in the hall conversation.
The plans to do something on Sunday were solidified yesterday. He rolled by my office when he came in yesterday morning and asked me to come by his office a little later. On my way to pick up lunch for the office, I popped in. He initially asked if I wanted to get together on Saturday night, but I had to inform him that I couldn't because I was busy. Knowing full well that I had asked out Ray the day before he began to give me a hard time. "Oh with the guy that you asked out the other day?" I replied with an embarrassed smile and a meek "Yes." He again informed me that he can't believe I asked someone out and it wasn't him and that his feelings were hurt. I told him very fast, that I didn't know where he was coming from, that I just didn't know. He said he didn't know where he was coming from either considering he knows my ex and they have mutual friends. He also reiterated that he would like to keep this from my ex, I agreed whole-heartedly. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. It's just a date right? He then started giving me the third degree. "What's this guy do? How old is he? Is he a nice guy? Where is he taking you on Saturday?" I was shocked at how forward he was and a little taken aback, but his nice smile and easy-going laughter quickly made me comfortable again. I said that he was the flower delivery guy, and that he was a nice guy, and he was a year older than I was. I told him sushi, he kind of smiled and said, "I guess I won't take you to sushi on Sunday then." He then, went for a jab at Ray, "Sushi, isn't that a little pricey for a flower delivery guy?" Oh God. I laughed and shruged and said "I don't know, but that's what we're doing."
This should be an interesting weekend! I cannot wait, especially for Sunday!

I have a date!

Ray called me while I was in class this evening. He left a message to see when we could go out and he was not messin' around. He said he has Padres tickets for tomorrow and that he was thinking Thursday. I can't get together with anybody on Thursday's because of class.
I called him back on the way home and we talked on the phone for about a half an hour! It was really nice to talk to him. We decided that Saturday would work since I have a test that morning and I should study on Friday night. We know we're going to get some sushi, but beyond that, no plans yet. He said he would call again before we went out, and that I should feel free to call him too.
He also said he's not much of a phone person and he must have been really enjoying talking to me because we had been on the phone for so long. He's cute, and I can't wait to go out with him on Saturday.

Back to Brent

Today was crazy! I got flowers from Kurt, asked out Ray, and then this. Jake, a really nice man that works in the neighboring suite saw me talking to Ray in the hall. He was bustin' my chops a little and said "I bet that's not your boyfriend!" I told him I didn't have a boyfriend anymore. That he and I broke up a couple months ago. He was surprised "WHAT? Why didn't you tell me!?" He then informed me that Brent always talks about me. "He does?" I asked. He said that he does and inquired as to whether I thought he was too old for me, or if he wasn't my type. I told him that wasn't it at all. I kind of filled him in, and said that he knows my ex and that I'm not sure what he told Brent but I think he's under the impression from my ex that we may be getting back together which is not the case all. He took it upon himself to play matchmaker. He apparently ran into Brent in the hall or bathroom or something, because out of nowhere, about 20 minutes later Brent pops in to ask how my weekend was, mind you, he has barely spoken to me since the weekend that he told me he saw my ex.
At any rate, he proceeds to inquire as to whether I was seeing anyone, I told him I asked someone out today. He said "You did? Aww...I'm right down the hall and you asked someone else out?" as he started to walk a was hanging his head dramatically. I said to him "I don't know, what happened? I thought we were supposed to go out for beers and the next thing I hear you're hanging out with [the ex] having beers! I didn't know." He came back over to me and said "It wasn't like we went out for beers, it was a bachelor party and we had a couple of beers. I like you, I was just weary because I didn't know how you would feel about that." I told him I didn't know, how that would work, I know the ex would be hurt if he found out that Brent and I went out on a date. But that doesn't change the fact that I like him, and he likes me. Brent said to me "Well, maybe he just wouldn't have to know about this." I told him "Oh, he doesn't get to know anything about my dating life!" Then I said "Well lets do it then, what's your schedule like this week? All I have is school." He said "You have to let me know, am I second in line to the this other guy now?" I told him I didn't have plans, and to let me know when he was available. He said that "From Friday on" he was available, I told him I thought I had class on Saturday morning but that was it. So, he told me to let him know. I need to talk to him tomorrow and see if he wants to go out on Friday or Saturday!

FLOWERS!

Okay, so Kurt sent me flowers for whipping him back into shape last week and to brighten up my Monday. Nothing going on there, not on my end anyways... and hopefully not his either. BUT, because the flower guy came back to deliver them, it pushed me to gain the courage to ask him out today! He said he'd "love to" and that he was glad I asked. He took my number, so now the ball is in his court. I'm so excited! Flowers and hopefully a date with Ray the flower man!

To Arizona or Bust

I made it to Arizona on Friday, and back home last night. What a great weekend! Aside from being burned and bruised, it was a great time!
I'm happy to report that my girlfriend that I was visiting met a very cute boy while we were out on Saturday night. His friend that was trying to make the moves on me was unfortunately not so cute and I was not interested.
I had such a good time, dancing, drinking, napping, laying by the pool, catching up with friends, tubing, and napping some more. It was a well needed getaway for me!
Unfortunately for the blog's sake, I have no new boys to report on. The Navy boy has been in touch... not so sure about him though... there will be more on that later!

Navy boy!

Well, much to my surprise I have heard from my cute Navy boy. He has text me a couple of times, and we've spoken. We were going to hang out last night, but I couldn't. He also wanted me to come "have a beer" with him and his friends tonight. I turned him down on that offer as well, it was nearly 10 o'clock when he threw that offer out there. I would have to drive from La Jolla to Coronado and still back home again. I have too much to do tomorrow to be out and about an drinking on a Thursday!
At any rate, I'm going to visit a friend in Phoenix this weekend. I'm sure I'll have some blog-worthy stories to share come Monday. And I think I'll be coming back to a cute Navy boy to see if there are more stories to go along with this hot latin boy!

Meanwhile, back at the barracks...

Cutie-pie Navy boy was fun to hang out with this weekend. I went to Coronado to meet up with him and his friends on Friday, it was fun! He was so cute and sweet, I really had a good time with him. Saturday the plan was tour-guiding him and his buddy and his buddy's girlfriend. It turned into "you can meet me here if you want". His demeanor had changed a little towards me. I don't know if it was because he was sober now, but there was a marked difference. I didn't feel like he wanted me there really. I should have left while I was still sober. Isn't that always the case? But I stayed and went to the next bar... still sort of indifferent towards me compared to Friday. A few texts with my friend to put things into perspective (thanks girl!) and I decided to go with the flow. He started getting more flirtatious, so I flirted back. I think it is a drunk thing. I'm pretty sure he's over it, and I'm pretty sure I got too clingy for him. Oh well, at least it was fun.
I think this will most likely be my last post about this little cutie-pie Navy boy!

It's on!

Mr. Cutie-Pie Navy boy text me today and looks like I get to play tour guide in beautiful San Diego come Saturday!

Happy Hour is My Favorite Hour

Being that I had Wednesday off for the 4th I went to happy hour with a co-worker friend of mine. It was fun! So, of course there were boys out too...
Met some little navy boy, I guess he's not a boy, he's 29, and cute, and a really good kisser I found out! We all ended up hanging out until the bars closed down. I took him back to base and dropped him off.
We'll see if he calls, or if we go out again... I'll keep you updated!

BBQ regrets

Kurt and I had a big long arduous talk today. It sucked. I hate talking about things, and defining things and it sucked.
I like hanging out with him. I want to hang out with him. But he wants to date me and kiss me and God knows what else! I told him I don't want to lead him on and that I can't promise that anything even will happen in the future. Why does everyone want to talk about everything? Why can't we just let things go, let them be? Does everything have to be so defined?
I told him I don't like that when we have a couple of drinks we end up making out. I need to stick to my guns or not. There's not really a half way in between. Not for us. He likes me too much for there to be a halfway between.
We're friends. He says he's cool with that, so we'll see hopefully we can hang out.

BBQ's and Boys

Regardless of what he says, there is no possible way that Kurt actually likes me. He likes the idea of me. Right? I don't know what to think. He keeps hanging around, which is fine. I like him being around... He says he likes me for all of these reasons. He says "why wouldn't I like you?". He thinks I have my head on straight, that I have my shit together, that I'm smart, funny, cute, fun, thoughtful... Wow.
I think I like him for how he makes me feel about myself. This scares me. I shouldn't be that drawn to some one for how he makes me feel about myself. I should like them for who they are.
We had a BBQ today at my house. It was fun. Grilled some yummy food, drank one too many adult beverages, a good time all in all.
What happened? I was lying in bed and said it would be okay for Kurt to lay with me. What am I doing? Besides sending mixed messages to him. Poor guy. I don't know what to do. I like him, and the more I talk to him, the more I like him. The more similarities I see and hear. I don't know if he's telling me what I want to hear or if this is really what this man is about. How can this be? How can I have things in common wih a man this much older than me? He is 11 years older than I am. He is my brothers friend. He is going through a divorce. I let him kiss me. I kissed him back. Thank God that's as far as it went. I think I would have liked more, but my brain wouldn't allow that to happen. Whew!
I'm not even attracted to him physically. He is not my type, whatever that is. I think I'm attracted to how he makes me feel about myself.

Resolution.. kind of?

Just an update on my earlier post about my ex, and our infuriating conversation from earlier.
He called and we talked on the phone for a long time. By the time I actually spoke to him, I had calmed down thankfully, I don't like losing my cool.
He apologized for fighting with me. He said that when it comes to fighting - at a certain point its not about the point anymore, it becomes just about winning. So, he apologized for that too.
I told him that we can go over it all again and again, and rehash old fights, but there really isn't a point to it. What's done is done. Although we ended the conversation on a good note, I am still unsure at this point if we will really remain friends. We both said that we would like that, but I don't know if he can handle that at this point. I think I had detached myself from the situation far enough back that I don't think it will be an issue for me to see him and not get completely reminiscent about how good things were. I remember very quickly and vividly why we are not together. And I told him so this evening. I don't know if that was mean or not, but I felt it needed to be said. I think this chapter of my life is over with him and we both need to move on, we've already put too much time and effort into it. He does seem to be having a harder time coping with this than I have. Which is hard, but I don't feel remorseful about, as cold and calloused as it sounds, I just don't. I really feel I gave it everything I had, and even more than I had at times. It just got so exhausting and felt like the only option at a certain point. He asked me if I was also experiencing some of the difficulty getting through this as he was. My answer was also, cold I suppose, it was a simple "no, not really". This is the truth though. There was no need too lie to spare feelings, I don't need to do that and end up somewhere I don't want to be. I did have a very hard time hanging up, it was weird, I didn't want to say goodbye. Partially because I do still care about him and its hard to let go of that, but also because I don't know when I'll speak to him again. It's a very surreal experience.

Now I'm left with some studying and some tired eyes, but I needed to get that off my chest.

Exes

Today my ex- and I started talking on an instant message, it was fine. Just light and silly. No biggie. Then things got a little heavier, and then even heavier. By the time lunch rolled around I was fired up. I took a walk to pick up lunch, and vented to some friends, and started to feel a little better. He's supposed to call me tonight to finish our conversation - can't wait....
He seems to be under the impression that there is something to work out.

Oh yea, and he was surprised by the fact that we broke up. How could he be surprised that we broke up when it so obviously wasn't going anywhere? He made damn sure of that...

He said "I didn't know that stuff was hurting you until it was too late"

Really? You really thought it was okay to go to a wedding on NYE without me and that it wouldn't hurt my feelings? That it was okay to go on all these trips without me? With no inkling of an invite?

This is the same as last time, he thinks he wants me back, he thinks we had it so good. He had it good, I was a good girlfriend. If I was so important to him maybe he should have been a little nicer, a little more considerate. He had ample opportunity.

Here's the kicker, here's where it gets nice and twisted. Remember how I said that Brent stopped in to tell me that he saw my ex? Well, they were at a mutual friend's bachelor party, had a couple of beers and chatted. I'm sure Brent got an awesomely sad story about how much my ex misses me, and how great things were. Brent kept telling him, that he was sure we could work it out. WHAT? He barely knows either one of us and definitely did not know how are relationship was.
Guess what? Things weren't that great, and regardless of what he says or thinks, me and him getting back together - not a chance. I've already been down that road once. It's too exhausting. I can't do it again.

Alone

Tonight, I am feeling a little alone. Not lonely enough to call Andrew or Clark or Kurt. Not worth it. I think it's alright to hang out by myself. I should relish in it.
I had a really nice dinner with my brother and his new girlfriend, and now, after a couple glasses of wine and some TV, I think it's time to go to bed.

More confusion

Brent stopped by today, to tell me that he saw my ex- this weekend. I wanted to say "Yea, so?" Weird. If you're trying to flirt with me, just a hint, don't bring up my ex-boyfriend. And if you just want to be my buddy, then don't flirt with me.

I chickened out!!

I was all talk! My flower guy just came in... I didn't ask him if he wanted to hang out or anything. I got all nervous. I still have his phone number from when he offered to help me move. Should/can I call him? Or is that too weird?

Running into old neighbors

Today I went to go get the rest of the stuff out of the old apartment. I pull in, my brother is riding shotgun, and we park. My brother hops out of the car and then drops down to a squat with a goofy ass grin on his face and sort of whispers to me across the inside of the car "You're boy is right there!". He is of course talking about "Andrew". The pot smoking, party-going, playa that used to live by us in the old apartment. SWEET. I couldn't avoid him so I just walked up and say hi, and kept it short and sweet. He says - you should come by before you take off. Okay, I can do that.
Once we were done in the old apartment, my brother went to go sit in the car and I went and "stopped by" Andrew's. As I walked up to his apartment I could smell the weed. Great. He was so excited to see me though. It's kind of funny, I think he gets kind of nervous around me. Just something I observed... He was saying he's going to be in and out of town coming up here, but he'd like to see me. Maybe next week - he's out of town until Thursday and then he said he'll be "hangin' out" until about July 8. I ask "Hangin' out here or in Phoenix?". "Probably here, but even if it's in Phoenix, I could just send you a ticket and fly you out." All I could do was laugh a little! This guy really likes me. He likes me enough to fly me somewhere just to see lil' ol' me! Crazy.
I'm going to give him a call tomorrow - it's his birthday, I'll be nice. And I think I am going to hang out with him again next week. He was fun. I don't need to find a husband right now, I may as well just have fun, right?!

Under the stars

What a good night. I didn't know what to think or do... "Clark" and I went to Phil's BBQ and had some fantastic ribs tonight. After dinner we didn't know what to do, I was throwing out the usual ideas, but movies were out on my part - I was too fidgety. I suggested we go downtown, have a couple of drinks or something, he was up for it, but it turns out he doesn't drink. This was a definite first for me! It's just not his thing he said, he stopped drinking a while ago now. Okay, we'll what do we do then. Coffee shop it is! We went and had a cup of coffee, he had tea, and chatted. Then, we went and walked around downtown La Jolla, just in circles talking. It was nice. We walked over to the water and sat and talked some more there. I had such a good time.
Was it a date? I don't know. It kind of felt like one, there was no kiss, just a little hug at the end. He had made it clear that he liked me a while back, whether he still feels the same is a mystery but we'll see. Either way, I had a really good time. It just puts a smile on my face. What a little sweetheart! :)

So confused

Brent stops in on Monday to flirt and hasn't been back by all week. I don't know what to think. He confuses me! He says I owe him a Birthday beer but when? If you avoid me, we can't go grab a drink very well now can we Brent. Oh well, tomorrow is Friday and the week is almost over. Another day to flirt, or not...

Talk and talk and talk and talk and.... you get the idea!

Last night I came home from dinner and drinks with some new friends and started talking to my good friend Kurt. We got to talking about stuff again last night. It's all kind of a mess. He really likes me, he wants more than I'm willing to give and more than I really want. He's going through a divorce right now and when I say 'going through' I mean he just got papers, he is still living his house with his wife. Granted he is in the spare bedroom, and she is in the master bedroom, but still, he is technically married.
It weirds me out a little, and definitely weirds out my parents. As it should. He's not someone I need to get involved with right now. It's just asking for trouble.
After a LONG conversation, it was decided that we not pursue anything. I'm too uncomfortable with it, and he doesn't want to put me in a position where I'm uncomfortable.
Today, he sends me a message basically saying I think we can still hang out as friends and be alright. That way we can still get to talk and see eachother occasionally, but no funny stuff. I have no problem with this. This is absolutely what I want from him. I'm concerned that he is going to have a hard time with it though. I can behave myself pretty easily, but knowing what I do about how he feels about me, leads me to believe that this may be an obsticle for him.
At any rate, we talked throughout the day on instant messenger and it was fine. Good actually. He was going out to happy hour with some guys from work. When I got out of class I had a text waiting for me from him. No biggie. Well then the texts start getting a different tone to them. He is trying to figure out a way that we can see eachother still. And not in the "we're gonna be pals" kinda way either. Well they flip-flop. I get one text wanting us to be together, and the next one is an apology for crossing the line. Then another inappropriate (for our redefined relationship) one, then another apology. I don't want to go through this everytime he has a couple of beer, but I don't want to lose him as a friend either. I think I may have blew it when things first started... but now I don't know what to do.
I'm sure tomorrow we'll have more conversations about it... at length... we'll see.

He's baaaacck....

That's right Andrew is back. He was aparently out of town and wants to see me this weekend. No can do Andrew. I tell him I'm going to LA this weekend. He said "oh me too, maybe I'll see you there". Um no. You won't. I'm going to a concert and the back to the hotel to go to bed. Then he throws in a little guilt: "Monday is my bday" he texts. Now what do I do?
Don't get me wrong, I had a really good time with him. He's just a little immature for me and needs to work on his boundries... He's nice enough... but yea.

Back to school

I mentioned that I'm currently going to school. There is this guy, he was in my last class, "Clark" he's pretty cute, in a nerdy kind of way, and really nice. Looks like I'm going to have dinner with him on Friday, we'll see what becomes of our evening.

Real conversations, kind of...

I so enjoy talking to this man, I wish I hadn't screwed things up and it didn't get so complicated. We have these great conversations over instant messenger.

Restricted phone calls.... don't answer!

This evening I received a phone call from a man who asked me out once before but I declined as I already had plans. His name is David. He does business with lawyers in my building I believe. I think he is a lawyer in fact. Well, after David initially asked me out he never called again, nor did I. Life's busy, as if I didn't have enough going on... So, back to tonight's phone call.
I answer the phone and he starts in with this love schpeel about wanting to be loved and asking if I want to be loved. And what I thought about him. If I wanted to date him and love him, and be loved by him. At first I thought he was drunk and as I'm laughing and trying to step out of the shock of what he's saying to me, he says, "you don't even know who this is!" I tell him I do - "This is David" I say. I'm laughing a little still trying to figure this out... and say that I don't know if I'm ready to love again because I just got out of a relationship and feel like I need some time to myself. He says "I didn't know that you just broke up with your boyfriend, did I?" Yea! You did!! I went into the scenario of when I told him what was going on when I told him I was newly single, and he replies "OH I know who this is!"
WHAT? You don't even know who I am and you're giving me this whole love line!? He then proceeds to tell me "I take it back, I don't want to be loved! Not by you!"
What?! That so mean! He says, "I remember I asked you to do something and you rejected me and never called me back or anything." I told him yes, this is true and for this I apologized, and told him I have literally had very little time with school going on right now. He replies, "Well, since you were nice enough to apologize, maybe I do want to date you! Do you want to date me?"
This man is clearly crazy. I told him that as cheesy as it sounds I really don't have time to date right now. At that, we wrapped up this bizarre conversation and said goodbye.

Lingering crush

"Brent" the cute guy I've been lusting after since I started working in this building. He stopped by to say hello and see if I had a good weekend. I asked him how his was - if he had a good Father's Day, he's the father of three boys I believe, he said it was good and that it was his birthday yesterday also, I finally found out how old he is. 43! Not old, just older, but damn - he looks good! And apparently I owe him a "birthday beer now too". Just say when Brent, just say when! Hahaha

New crush...

Haha... I'm sure there will be a new crush almost every week. I tend to get crushes and then they go away after a bit...
So, today's crush is the guy that delivers flowers to my office every week. We'll call him "Ray". He's a tall, blonde, cute guy from North Carolina and he is really nice. We chit chat every week. He asked me if I'd want to go to dinner a while ago, but I was still with the ex, so I had to say no. I'm going to see if he wants to go out sometime when I see him next Monday! :) Wish me luck!

Neighborly love

Out one Friday for happy hour with a girlfriend and my brothers (who showed up later) I have a seat and place my order. When the waitress comes back, she says that our friends at the beer bought this round for us. We told her we didn't know anyone at the bar, but to thank them for us. She didn't know who it was, but told us that she would find out for us. She came back over to point out who it was. Okay, so we have to go thank them I suppose that's the nice thing to do. We finish our beer and head over there. I say thank you and one guy says "No problem neighbor!" It clicked finally, I knew who he was. He was my old neighbor whom I had never met. We talked for a bit and flirted a little, he got my number and I left.
Three drunk dials later that night (all before 10pm). He text me the next day and asked me out to dinner and drinks. Okay, I didn't have any plans, I was up for it, I agreed.
I go to meet him at his house (my old complex). First of all, I walk in and Tupac is BLARING on the TV through the house. Okay, a little ghetto, but whatever, I'm along for the ride... I have a seat on the couch and wait. He's funny, he's cute, and seems fun. He comes back out to the living room and says "One more dirty little deed before we go out." He pulls out his BONG.
Okay, this guy doesn't know me from Eve, for all he knows I could have been a cop. Doesn't seem to bother him a bit. He lights up, takes a hit and offers it to me. "No, thanks, I don't smoke." Off to a peculiar start... for me anyways.
We go to dinner. He's fun, like I said, funny... but silly. He seems nervous around me and untill about two beers in he doesn't even look me in the eye when we're talking. Am I that hard to look at or talk to? Really?
After dinner we go to meet up with his friends at a bar. We drank and danced and had a good time. He was a little too "handsy" for me, too comfortable touching or trying to touch me inapporpriately. I got a little too tipsy unfortunately and needed to sleep for a little bit before I could drive. He kept trying to make the moves... I wasn't havin' it. At 7am, I hopped up out of bed, put on my shoes and left.
Later that day I was out running errands and I got a text from him. He wanted to know if he was going to see me that day. Um, no. I have a real job and have to get my stuff done on the weekends. I just replied "no, not today"
I do have to say, he was quite persistant though. I met him on a Friday, went out with him on a Saturday, he wanted to see me on Sunday, called me Monday, and Tuesday, Wednesday I got some texts from him, spoke to him on Thursday and more texts on Friday.
I think this may be the only "Andrew" installment. I haven't had much time this week, and definitely didn't "make" time for Andrew. I'm pretty sure he's backed off as I didn't hear from him at all yesterday!

Out of the gate...

As I mentioned before I just recently split with my boyfriend of a year. It seems as though I had a couple admirers right out of the gate. One of which we'll call "Kurt".
Kurt and I have know eachother for a while. He was a friend of my brothers who was a bit older than I and married. Earlier this year we found out that he and his wife were getting a divorce. Kurt and I formed a friendship and over email mostly we started chatting to pass the time. We'd make jokes and have serious chats about the stated of both our relationships. I listened to the stories about how he was dealing with his soon to be ex-wife, and how she was dealing with him. And he'd get to hear about the boyfriend and my issues with him as well as his issues with me.
The time came where I needed to have "the talk" with my boyfriend about what we were doing, and where we were going, if anywhere. It turned out we weren't going anywhere and it was time to part ways. Just as I was leaving his house after a lot of tears and goodbyes, I get a text from Kurt. "How are you doing?". I called him, and told him that I didn't know how he knew, but I had just left, and "we" were done. I ended up meeting Kurt for a beer later that day to just get out of the house and have someone to talk to.
We continued to talk online through the upcoming week and we were gonna grab a bite to eat on that Friday. I didn't know what to make of this meal. I didn't know if it was a date, if we were just two friends going out to eat and have a good time, I just didn't know. Later at the bar, it became abundantly clear when he made a comment about kissing me. Okay, I guess this is a date.
The next day was my brother's birthday and there was a party. Kurt, being my brother's friend was of course going to be there. I didn't know what to do with him, how to act around him, he obviously wanted to be affectionate. But I was uncomfortable with that and tried to keep my distance without being a bitch.
Things continued down an uncomfortable road for me. I just got out of a relationship, he was still technically married, he was my brothers friend.... I told him that I needed to take a step back from whatever "this" is. He said that was fine and understood.
Turns out I missed talking to him. We slowly started talking again. I started flirting again. And Friday night we went to dinner and I ended up in the same place all over again. Uncomfortable because I want to be single, because he's still married, because he's my brother's friend and because I'm afraid that he likes me much more than I like him and wants more than I am willing to offer.

Day One Introductions

I'm 27, I work full time as a receptionist, and I'm going to school to hopefully become a nurse.

About a month and a half ago my boyfriend and I broke up after a little over a year, this time. This was our second go around, and I really thought we could make it work. But, sometimes things don't work out how you hope they will.

Now I've embarked on another summer of being "single in San Diego". It's not a bad place to be single, it can be fun, it can be frustrating, but it's where I am. I thought it would be fun to keep a diary of my single life to look back on or share with others (if I chose to). It seems that there are adventures in each new person I meet. Guys that I have crushes on and those that have crushes on me. The fun part is finding a person I have a crush on at the same time they have a crush on me!

I'm pretty new to this blogging stuff and not sure how I want to format it so... if you're reading this, bare with me and hopefully you'll enjoy the adventures vicariously.