Resolution.. kind of?

Just an update on my earlier post about my ex, and our infuriating conversation from earlier.
He called and we talked on the phone for a long time. By the time I actually spoke to him, I had calmed down thankfully, I don't like losing my cool.
He apologized for fighting with me. He said that when it comes to fighting - at a certain point its not about the point anymore, it becomes just about winning. So, he apologized for that too.
I told him that we can go over it all again and again, and rehash old fights, but there really isn't a point to it. What's done is done. Although we ended the conversation on a good note, I am still unsure at this point if we will really remain friends. We both said that we would like that, but I don't know if he can handle that at this point. I think I had detached myself from the situation far enough back that I don't think it will be an issue for me to see him and not get completely reminiscent about how good things were. I remember very quickly and vividly why we are not together. And I told him so this evening. I don't know if that was mean or not, but I felt it needed to be said. I think this chapter of my life is over with him and we both need to move on, we've already put too much time and effort into it. He does seem to be having a harder time coping with this than I have. Which is hard, but I don't feel remorseful about, as cold and calloused as it sounds, I just don't. I really feel I gave it everything I had, and even more than I had at times. It just got so exhausting and felt like the only option at a certain point. He asked me if I was also experiencing some of the difficulty getting through this as he was. My answer was also, cold I suppose, it was a simple "no, not really". This is the truth though. There was no need too lie to spare feelings, I don't need to do that and end up somewhere I don't want to be. I did have a very hard time hanging up, it was weird, I didn't want to say goodbye. Partially because I do still care about him and its hard to let go of that, but also because I don't know when I'll speak to him again. It's a very surreal experience.

Now I'm left with some studying and some tired eyes, but I needed to get that off my chest.

Exes

Today my ex- and I started talking on an instant message, it was fine. Just light and silly. No biggie. Then things got a little heavier, and then even heavier. By the time lunch rolled around I was fired up. I took a walk to pick up lunch, and vented to some friends, and started to feel a little better. He's supposed to call me tonight to finish our conversation - can't wait....
He seems to be under the impression that there is something to work out.

Oh yea, and he was surprised by the fact that we broke up. How could he be surprised that we broke up when it so obviously wasn't going anywhere? He made damn sure of that...

He said "I didn't know that stuff was hurting you until it was too late"

Really? You really thought it was okay to go to a wedding on NYE without me and that it wouldn't hurt my feelings? That it was okay to go on all these trips without me? With no inkling of an invite?

This is the same as last time, he thinks he wants me back, he thinks we had it so good. He had it good, I was a good girlfriend. If I was so important to him maybe he should have been a little nicer, a little more considerate. He had ample opportunity.

Here's the kicker, here's where it gets nice and twisted. Remember how I said that Brent stopped in to tell me that he saw my ex? Well, they were at a mutual friend's bachelor party, had a couple of beers and chatted. I'm sure Brent got an awesomely sad story about how much my ex misses me, and how great things were. Brent kept telling him, that he was sure we could work it out. WHAT? He barely knows either one of us and definitely did not know how are relationship was.
Guess what? Things weren't that great, and regardless of what he says or thinks, me and him getting back together - not a chance. I've already been down that road once. It's too exhausting. I can't do it again.

Alone

Tonight, I am feeling a little alone. Not lonely enough to call Andrew or Clark or Kurt. Not worth it. I think it's alright to hang out by myself. I should relish in it.
I had a really nice dinner with my brother and his new girlfriend, and now, after a couple glasses of wine and some TV, I think it's time to go to bed.

More confusion

Brent stopped by today, to tell me that he saw my ex- this weekend. I wanted to say "Yea, so?" Weird. If you're trying to flirt with me, just a hint, don't bring up my ex-boyfriend. And if you just want to be my buddy, then don't flirt with me.

I chickened out!!

I was all talk! My flower guy just came in... I didn't ask him if he wanted to hang out or anything. I got all nervous. I still have his phone number from when he offered to help me move. Should/can I call him? Or is that too weird?

Running into old neighbors

Today I went to go get the rest of the stuff out of the old apartment. I pull in, my brother is riding shotgun, and we park. My brother hops out of the car and then drops down to a squat with a goofy ass grin on his face and sort of whispers to me across the inside of the car "You're boy is right there!". He is of course talking about "Andrew". The pot smoking, party-going, playa that used to live by us in the old apartment. SWEET. I couldn't avoid him so I just walked up and say hi, and kept it short and sweet. He says - you should come by before you take off. Okay, I can do that.
Once we were done in the old apartment, my brother went to go sit in the car and I went and "stopped by" Andrew's. As I walked up to his apartment I could smell the weed. Great. He was so excited to see me though. It's kind of funny, I think he gets kind of nervous around me. Just something I observed... He was saying he's going to be in and out of town coming up here, but he'd like to see me. Maybe next week - he's out of town until Thursday and then he said he'll be "hangin' out" until about July 8. I ask "Hangin' out here or in Phoenix?". "Probably here, but even if it's in Phoenix, I could just send you a ticket and fly you out." All I could do was laugh a little! This guy really likes me. He likes me enough to fly me somewhere just to see lil' ol' me! Crazy.
I'm going to give him a call tomorrow - it's his birthday, I'll be nice. And I think I am going to hang out with him again next week. He was fun. I don't need to find a husband right now, I may as well just have fun, right?!

Under the stars

What a good night. I didn't know what to think or do... "Clark" and I went to Phil's BBQ and had some fantastic ribs tonight. After dinner we didn't know what to do, I was throwing out the usual ideas, but movies were out on my part - I was too fidgety. I suggested we go downtown, have a couple of drinks or something, he was up for it, but it turns out he doesn't drink. This was a definite first for me! It's just not his thing he said, he stopped drinking a while ago now. Okay, we'll what do we do then. Coffee shop it is! We went and had a cup of coffee, he had tea, and chatted. Then, we went and walked around downtown La Jolla, just in circles talking. It was nice. We walked over to the water and sat and talked some more there. I had such a good time.
Was it a date? I don't know. It kind of felt like one, there was no kiss, just a little hug at the end. He had made it clear that he liked me a while back, whether he still feels the same is a mystery but we'll see. Either way, I had a really good time. It just puts a smile on my face. What a little sweetheart! :)

So confused

Brent stops in on Monday to flirt and hasn't been back by all week. I don't know what to think. He confuses me! He says I owe him a Birthday beer but when? If you avoid me, we can't go grab a drink very well now can we Brent. Oh well, tomorrow is Friday and the week is almost over. Another day to flirt, or not...

Talk and talk and talk and talk and.... you get the idea!

Last night I came home from dinner and drinks with some new friends and started talking to my good friend Kurt. We got to talking about stuff again last night. It's all kind of a mess. He really likes me, he wants more than I'm willing to give and more than I really want. He's going through a divorce right now and when I say 'going through' I mean he just got papers, he is still living his house with his wife. Granted he is in the spare bedroom, and she is in the master bedroom, but still, he is technically married.
It weirds me out a little, and definitely weirds out my parents. As it should. He's not someone I need to get involved with right now. It's just asking for trouble.
After a LONG conversation, it was decided that we not pursue anything. I'm too uncomfortable with it, and he doesn't want to put me in a position where I'm uncomfortable.
Today, he sends me a message basically saying I think we can still hang out as friends and be alright. That way we can still get to talk and see eachother occasionally, but no funny stuff. I have no problem with this. This is absolutely what I want from him. I'm concerned that he is going to have a hard time with it though. I can behave myself pretty easily, but knowing what I do about how he feels about me, leads me to believe that this may be an obsticle for him.
At any rate, we talked throughout the day on instant messenger and it was fine. Good actually. He was going out to happy hour with some guys from work. When I got out of class I had a text waiting for me from him. No biggie. Well then the texts start getting a different tone to them. He is trying to figure out a way that we can see eachother still. And not in the "we're gonna be pals" kinda way either. Well they flip-flop. I get one text wanting us to be together, and the next one is an apology for crossing the line. Then another inappropriate (for our redefined relationship) one, then another apology. I don't want to go through this everytime he has a couple of beer, but I don't want to lose him as a friend either. I think I may have blew it when things first started... but now I don't know what to do.
I'm sure tomorrow we'll have more conversations about it... at length... we'll see.

He's baaaacck....

That's right Andrew is back. He was aparently out of town and wants to see me this weekend. No can do Andrew. I tell him I'm going to LA this weekend. He said "oh me too, maybe I'll see you there". Um no. You won't. I'm going to a concert and the back to the hotel to go to bed. Then he throws in a little guilt: "Monday is my bday" he texts. Now what do I do?
Don't get me wrong, I had a really good time with him. He's just a little immature for me and needs to work on his boundries... He's nice enough... but yea.

Back to school

I mentioned that I'm currently going to school. There is this guy, he was in my last class, "Clark" he's pretty cute, in a nerdy kind of way, and really nice. Looks like I'm going to have dinner with him on Friday, we'll see what becomes of our evening.

Real conversations, kind of...

I so enjoy talking to this man, I wish I hadn't screwed things up and it didn't get so complicated. We have these great conversations over instant messenger.

Restricted phone calls.... don't answer!

This evening I received a phone call from a man who asked me out once before but I declined as I already had plans. His name is David. He does business with lawyers in my building I believe. I think he is a lawyer in fact. Well, after David initially asked me out he never called again, nor did I. Life's busy, as if I didn't have enough going on... So, back to tonight's phone call.
I answer the phone and he starts in with this love schpeel about wanting to be loved and asking if I want to be loved. And what I thought about him. If I wanted to date him and love him, and be loved by him. At first I thought he was drunk and as I'm laughing and trying to step out of the shock of what he's saying to me, he says, "you don't even know who this is!" I tell him I do - "This is David" I say. I'm laughing a little still trying to figure this out... and say that I don't know if I'm ready to love again because I just got out of a relationship and feel like I need some time to myself. He says "I didn't know that you just broke up with your boyfriend, did I?" Yea! You did!! I went into the scenario of when I told him what was going on when I told him I was newly single, and he replies "OH I know who this is!"
WHAT? You don't even know who I am and you're giving me this whole love line!? He then proceeds to tell me "I take it back, I don't want to be loved! Not by you!"
What?! That so mean! He says, "I remember I asked you to do something and you rejected me and never called me back or anything." I told him yes, this is true and for this I apologized, and told him I have literally had very little time with school going on right now. He replies, "Well, since you were nice enough to apologize, maybe I do want to date you! Do you want to date me?"
This man is clearly crazy. I told him that as cheesy as it sounds I really don't have time to date right now. At that, we wrapped up this bizarre conversation and said goodbye.

Lingering crush

"Brent" the cute guy I've been lusting after since I started working in this building. He stopped by to say hello and see if I had a good weekend. I asked him how his was - if he had a good Father's Day, he's the father of three boys I believe, he said it was good and that it was his birthday yesterday also, I finally found out how old he is. 43! Not old, just older, but damn - he looks good! And apparently I owe him a "birthday beer now too". Just say when Brent, just say when! Hahaha

New crush...

Haha... I'm sure there will be a new crush almost every week. I tend to get crushes and then they go away after a bit...
So, today's crush is the guy that delivers flowers to my office every week. We'll call him "Ray". He's a tall, blonde, cute guy from North Carolina and he is really nice. We chit chat every week. He asked me if I'd want to go to dinner a while ago, but I was still with the ex, so I had to say no. I'm going to see if he wants to go out sometime when I see him next Monday! :) Wish me luck!

Neighborly love

Out one Friday for happy hour with a girlfriend and my brothers (who showed up later) I have a seat and place my order. When the waitress comes back, she says that our friends at the beer bought this round for us. We told her we didn't know anyone at the bar, but to thank them for us. She didn't know who it was, but told us that she would find out for us. She came back over to point out who it was. Okay, so we have to go thank them I suppose that's the nice thing to do. We finish our beer and head over there. I say thank you and one guy says "No problem neighbor!" It clicked finally, I knew who he was. He was my old neighbor whom I had never met. We talked for a bit and flirted a little, he got my number and I left.
Three drunk dials later that night (all before 10pm). He text me the next day and asked me out to dinner and drinks. Okay, I didn't have any plans, I was up for it, I agreed.
I go to meet him at his house (my old complex). First of all, I walk in and Tupac is BLARING on the TV through the house. Okay, a little ghetto, but whatever, I'm along for the ride... I have a seat on the couch and wait. He's funny, he's cute, and seems fun. He comes back out to the living room and says "One more dirty little deed before we go out." He pulls out his BONG.
Okay, this guy doesn't know me from Eve, for all he knows I could have been a cop. Doesn't seem to bother him a bit. He lights up, takes a hit and offers it to me. "No, thanks, I don't smoke." Off to a peculiar start... for me anyways.
We go to dinner. He's fun, like I said, funny... but silly. He seems nervous around me and untill about two beers in he doesn't even look me in the eye when we're talking. Am I that hard to look at or talk to? Really?
After dinner we go to meet up with his friends at a bar. We drank and danced and had a good time. He was a little too "handsy" for me, too comfortable touching or trying to touch me inapporpriately. I got a little too tipsy unfortunately and needed to sleep for a little bit before I could drive. He kept trying to make the moves... I wasn't havin' it. At 7am, I hopped up out of bed, put on my shoes and left.
Later that day I was out running errands and I got a text from him. He wanted to know if he was going to see me that day. Um, no. I have a real job and have to get my stuff done on the weekends. I just replied "no, not today"
I do have to say, he was quite persistant though. I met him on a Friday, went out with him on a Saturday, he wanted to see me on Sunday, called me Monday, and Tuesday, Wednesday I got some texts from him, spoke to him on Thursday and more texts on Friday.
I think this may be the only "Andrew" installment. I haven't had much time this week, and definitely didn't "make" time for Andrew. I'm pretty sure he's backed off as I didn't hear from him at all yesterday!

Out of the gate...

As I mentioned before I just recently split with my boyfriend of a year. It seems as though I had a couple admirers right out of the gate. One of which we'll call "Kurt".
Kurt and I have know eachother for a while. He was a friend of my brothers who was a bit older than I and married. Earlier this year we found out that he and his wife were getting a divorce. Kurt and I formed a friendship and over email mostly we started chatting to pass the time. We'd make jokes and have serious chats about the stated of both our relationships. I listened to the stories about how he was dealing with his soon to be ex-wife, and how she was dealing with him. And he'd get to hear about the boyfriend and my issues with him as well as his issues with me.
The time came where I needed to have "the talk" with my boyfriend about what we were doing, and where we were going, if anywhere. It turned out we weren't going anywhere and it was time to part ways. Just as I was leaving his house after a lot of tears and goodbyes, I get a text from Kurt. "How are you doing?". I called him, and told him that I didn't know how he knew, but I had just left, and "we" were done. I ended up meeting Kurt for a beer later that day to just get out of the house and have someone to talk to.
We continued to talk online through the upcoming week and we were gonna grab a bite to eat on that Friday. I didn't know what to make of this meal. I didn't know if it was a date, if we were just two friends going out to eat and have a good time, I just didn't know. Later at the bar, it became abundantly clear when he made a comment about kissing me. Okay, I guess this is a date.
The next day was my brother's birthday and there was a party. Kurt, being my brother's friend was of course going to be there. I didn't know what to do with him, how to act around him, he obviously wanted to be affectionate. But I was uncomfortable with that and tried to keep my distance without being a bitch.
Things continued down an uncomfortable road for me. I just got out of a relationship, he was still technically married, he was my brothers friend.... I told him that I needed to take a step back from whatever "this" is. He said that was fine and understood.
Turns out I missed talking to him. We slowly started talking again. I started flirting again. And Friday night we went to dinner and I ended up in the same place all over again. Uncomfortable because I want to be single, because he's still married, because he's my brother's friend and because I'm afraid that he likes me much more than I like him and wants more than I am willing to offer.

Day One Introductions

I'm 27, I work full time as a receptionist, and I'm going to school to hopefully become a nurse.

About a month and a half ago my boyfriend and I broke up after a little over a year, this time. This was our second go around, and I really thought we could make it work. But, sometimes things don't work out how you hope they will.

Now I've embarked on another summer of being "single in San Diego". It's not a bad place to be single, it can be fun, it can be frustrating, but it's where I am. I thought it would be fun to keep a diary of my single life to look back on or share with others (if I chose to). It seems that there are adventures in each new person I meet. Guys that I have crushes on and those that have crushes on me. The fun part is finding a person I have a crush on at the same time they have a crush on me!

I'm pretty new to this blogging stuff and not sure how I want to format it so... if you're reading this, bare with me and hopefully you'll enjoy the adventures vicariously.